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Thursday, August 10, 2017
Bathroom - CHECK!  15 minutes in and the bathroom is cleaned!  That was the easiest place to start and so I started there.

It's all packed up and shiny now.  My mom has her guest bathroom back and that feels good.  A couple more things I'm going to pack in there (including vitamins, cue tips and first aid).  Then I'm printing out a label and into the car it goes.

Ok...................... moving on!



Our Past is an Assset



"We may have been alone as children, but now we have our fellow travelers."

"On this day I recognize that my past provides a unique opportunity to grow in self actualization."

  



Well, apparently, I am just really wanting to procrastinate packing.  I am often the person who has a thorough list and likes checking off the boxes.

Perhaps, there is something bigger that I don't understand, such as fear, preventing it.  But, it is the last moment now.  It is time for action, rather than procrastination.

This isn't a  case of perfectionism, procrastination, paralysis.  It's just a matter of doing it and getting it done.

And...................................... this afternoon, we move into our new place!  Yay!






Today, I have a vision appointment, a root canal and then, check-in at the shelter.  But, first, I have to work through the night to just pack everything.  Luckily, there is truly not much to pack.  Going to do a meditation and just start.  I went to sleep very early, so I already got around 4 hours of sleep.  We are in good shape.

Ok, that's all for now.  :)
Gratitude
1) Dental care/insurance
2) Overall good health
3) Opportunity to go to this shelter
4) People look out for one another.
5) Storage Bins :)
Tuesday, August 8, 2017
CTC
In Step Six I contemplate my life undergoing change -- tremendous change. The great fear is this: If I shed many characteristics that stand in my way, what will be left? It is as though I face a great void, a terrifying unknown. Yet when I acknowledge how far I have come, I can see how much I want to change. The desire to grow and to heal has brought me to this uncomfortable point, because I am tired of the way I have been. My Higher Power is there to guide me when I am ready. 

I find solace in the fact that in Step Six I need not change anything; I must simply prepare myself for change. I can take all the time I need. Such manageability is what I set out to find in the first place. Now it is a part of my life.

Today's Reminder
I need not judge the rate at which I change old habits or ways of thinking. If I am uncomfortable with old behavior, then on some level I am already moving toward changing it. Change will not be effective unless I am ready for it. I need only trust that, when the time comes to move forward, I will know it. 

"Remind me each day that the race is not always to the swift; that there is more to life than increasing its speed. Let me look upward into the towering oak and know that it grew great and strong because it grew slowly and well." Orin L. Crain


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mmmm, I love that quote at the end by Orin L. Crain.  It might be worth memorizing.  Change is uncomfortable............ but look at where I have come.  I had a powerful therapy session today.

My therapist talked about my toxic mother, my toxic father (who I normally don't like to think of in that way) and my toxic husband.  She also talked about how I was trained to be emotionally abusive, as a young child.  Sigh.  And that she thinks I accept bread crumbs, rather than "steak," in regards to my father.  I was also called a "good codependent."

I appreciate her blunt analysis of my situation  This is my couples counselor, yet O was out today, so I did a single session.  I told her of the pressure I felt last week.  She told me that she was just asking me to not divorce in three months, but that it would be unwise to lower my emotional walls.  There was a lot of validation and truth spoken.  She thought it was meant to be that O couldn't make it.  

Very powerful session.  

"The desire to grow and to heal has brought me to this uncomfortable point, because I am tired of the way I have been."

Toxic mother, toxic father, toxic husband.  If I don't change......................... I believe my kids may call me toxic one day, as well.  Just a thought.  Perhaps I have already changed enough to avoid this.  That being said............ I look forward to inching towards being the person I want to be. 
Gratitude
1)  Grateful for a healthy body!!
2)  Grateful for two precious tiny children.
3)  Grateful for a roof over my head.
4)  Grateful that I'm able to feel
5)  Grateful for the beach
Friday, August 4, 2017
CTC
I can certainly learn from criticism, and I want to remain open to hearing what others have to say, but neither my popularity nor my ability to please those I live and work with are legitimate measure of my worth as an individual. Al-Anon helps me to recognize that I have value simply because I breathe the breath of humanity. As I gain self-esteem, I find it easier to evaluate my behavior more realistically.
The support I get in Al-Anon helps me find the courage to learn about myself. As I come to feel at home with myself and my values, my likes and dislikes, my dreams and choices, I am increasingly able to risk other people's disapproval. I am equally able to honor others when they choose to be themselves, whether or not I like what I see.
Today's Reminder
With the help of a loving Sponsor and the support of my fellow Al-Anon members, I am learning to find my place in this world -- a place where I can live with dignity and self-respect.
"I exist as I am, that is enough, if no other in the world be aware I sit content, and if each and all be aware I sit content." Walt Whitman