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Thursday, June 21, 2018
Once in awhile, I get sad about what happened.

I am cleaning out my closet.  I can't believe how much stuff was in there, to be honest.  I took a break to sit down, eat lunch and maybe watch a show on netflix.

I saw Dexter and decided not to watch it because it's too scary, but I do have good memories.  And then I thought of the show Merlin.

Memories.... memories..... memories....

I don't like to remember how happy we were together.  It's a lot easier to think of the bad things.  The unhealthy things.

But, we were best friends for more than a decade.  And we had soooo much fun together.  There were so many good times.  That is something about compartmentalizing and secret lives....  and gosh, cheating.  I didn't even know what our relationship truly as.  But, on my side, it felt good. 

I was even willing to forgive the cheating.  To work with the addiction.  To work with the mental health problems.  I didn't want to go.  Because what we had was really good, for so long, in so many ways.

A partnership is beautiful.  And we will always be partners to some degree, since we are connected through the girls.  He really drove me away.  Things had to get so bad, first.  And now I'm not ok with the secrets, etc. etc.  He has put a big X on himself, marking himself as untrustworthy.  After being untrustworthy again and again. 

Anyways.....  guess I needed a little cry. 

We had some good times together.  We still do, but in a different way. 

This isn't what made me think of it, today.... but, I could totally use his help in cleaning out this darn closet!! haha!!  It's the last of the stuff from the old house.  And I don't know how the contents of a closet can take up my whole living room!! 

Ok..  That was a good cathartic cry! 

Back to work!
Thursday, May 24, 2018
Woke up from a nightmare, kind of, this morning.

The same thing happened yesterday.  It is super not typical, for me.

This morning, I heard a creepy little voice in my dream (shudders), like an adult pretending to be a kid, saying, "mama".  Again..... shudders.  I woke up with the voice in my mind.  Tried to convince myself that it was the kids, but knowing it wasn't.  Then decided I better check on them.  They are fine.  Thank God.  Sleeping away in their little room.

Last night before bed, though, I heard whistling outside, and thought it could be O.  Not a rational thought.  Kind of, how you feel after you watch a scary movie and everything makes you jump.  Was feeling scared that O knows where we live (although not which apartment.  But, still......

The whole threatening to kill us thing, did a number on me.  When he said it, he was so deranged.  And I know it was years ago, at this point.  Well, a year and a half.  And it's been followed by inconsistency behavior.  So, I will validate myself.  It could be scary for others, too.  And, if it's not, it's still scary for me.  And there is obviously trauma there.

The night before, I woke up to a nightmare, as well.  Saw my friend who relapsed in her addiction.  In reality, I think she is in rehab, working on getting herself on track, again.  But, in my dream, she was with another person, acting like a drug addict.  It was only a minute long dream of me seeing her for a few seconds, MAYBE a minute of acting that way and then waking up.

Can I just say that I really abhor addiction.  Ugh!  Anyways.........  O lost a job, again.  I wish he hadn't told me.  I've asked him not to share this stuff with me.  But, he did.  And it upset me.  :(  I think it just makes me face the reality, that I already know.  That despite the fact that he sometimes sounds ok and looks ok, he is still not ok.  That is why I don't want to hear the good things going on in his life.  He doesn't have problems getting good things.  He has trouble keeping them.  :(  (like all with mental health problems).  And I STILL want to believe him that he is getting better.

Another thing....... an old friend called me to ask advice on an issue.  He was having a social event and didn't want O to come because he had observed his mental health problems and was worried about what would happen.  It is almost like I want to gaslight myself.  I thought this particular person blamed me for leaving O and thought I was irrational.  Well.............. from our communication, I can ascertain that that isn't the case.  It is almost like I want to gaslight myself, pretend like O is ok and the situation isn't all that bad.  But, I can't because reality is facing me again.  And I'm sad and upset about it.  O has given us two gift cards to Amazon last month.  I asked him to give me gift cards, instead of a formal child support payment for maybe a month or 2, until he shows me he is consistent and it is actually going to happen, then I'll put in paperwork and adjust all my income, subsidized type stuff, so I can be honest.  I just don't want to adjust it, until I know it'll happen (if that makes sense).  Whenever, I do things like this............ I Hope for the best.  I hope that O is going to start paying child support and helping the kids and he will do it for a long time or maybe even ever.

Well, without an income, he is likely going to be struggling financially again.  So, even though..... I had planned for him not to continue...............  I am sad that he won't.  And he's been renting an airbnb room.  And.............  that was a good step for him....... and yah.  None of it is my business, but apparently, my body feels it, so I'm going to voice it.  I'm sad that he's not better.  And I'm scared that he isn't better because of irrational behavior... and the dream of him being able to help a tiny bit........ and discomfort about get togethers with the girls.  ugh.

Anyways, I woke up and cleaned.  So, that was good.  Watched a tiny bit of mama mia, and then I think I'll be going back to bed.  Although, I do feel like putting furniture in front of the door.  Ugh.  Because.......  I'm apparently still scared.  ugh.

And I'm nervous about hearing back about the new job.  I've noticed I'm starting to give people advice a lot at work (or wanting to), which is COMPLETELY a codependent thing.  It is hilarious and I am pretty vocal about retracting it, because the people I'm advising are super capable and don't need my help.  Two big events coming up at work, which I am behind on and a new enthusiastic intern at work to help me/train.  I am behind on both events, but one is this weekend.  So, it'll be over before I know it.  The other, i have another week for, but I still need to do a tremendous amount to make it happen. 

Tired, so will sleep.  And need to give a big long pray.  But........ think I got my thoughts out, at least. 
Saturday, March 10, 2018
1)  flowers
2)  health (ability to walk, run, see)
3) the amazing little girl that J is truning into
4) long time friends
5) a safe, new clean apartment

A.A. Thought for the Day  March 10th 
My five senses are my means of communication with the material world. They are the links between my physical life and the material manifestations around me. But I must sever all connections with the material world when I wish to hold communion with the Great Spirit of the universe. I have to hush my mind and bid all my senses be still, before I can become attuned to receive the music of the heavenly spheres.
Prayer for the Day
I pray that I may get my spirit in tune with the Spirit of the universe. I pray that through faith and communion with Him I may receive the strength I need.
This is an interesting thought for me.  I have always used awareness of my 5 senses to get grounded and calm my mind.  I like the idea of first getting grounded,though.  5 things I see, 4 things I hear, 3 things I touch, etc. etc. and then once awareness is there, telling those senses to hush and be still, in order to "receive the music of the heavenly spheres."  That definitely appeals.

Prayer for the Day
Higher Power, help me see what is really important for me today. Help me to stop worrying about what’s not.
Action for the Day
When I’m upset. I’ll ask myself, Is this problem really so bad? If I can’t change it, I’ll let go.

There is no king who has not had a slave among his ancestors, and no slave who has not had a king among his.
~ Helen Keller ~
The human race is a huge mixture of dignity and degradation and every man inherits the blend. We can respect the slave in us for his endurance and suffering. And the king in us earns our respect for his leadership and justice. Are we ashamed of who we are or where we have come from? Then we may have to look deeper and ask if we are really different from any other man.
Do we believe we must conform to some mold of acceptability, some proper appearance? Are we so focused on the surface that we miss the deeper values of our humanness? Sometimes we take on a reverse smugness and become judgemental of the person who looks successful or speaks well. We think, “I can’t like him, he’s in a different class.” We all need acceptance and respect, and in this program we are equals from the first day.
God, grant me the self-esteem to accept the whole mixture that comes together in me and in the people around me

I seem to have issues with "class." I felt I was in a certain class and when I couldn't find a job and asked for help, I belonged to a different type of class.  And I have had a lot of difficulty with it.  A LOT!  I loved this message.  "I am enough."  My sponsor told me to put it on my mirror and say it to myself often.  Not better or worse than anyone else, a child of God, with good and bad, just like any other.  I am enough!

At the heart of the simple life is an emphasis on harmonious and purposeful living.
~ Duane Elgin ~
At some point, we all complain about the fast pace and complexity of modem life. We rush the kids to school or day care, and when we get to work, we practice multi-tasking, trying to be more efficient and productive. Driving home from work, we catch up on some phone calls. But somehow, as busy as we are, we are never led to that point of completion with calm and quiet—only to more busyness.
To have a simpler life, we have to consciously choose it. Busily running around and embracing more tasks does not open the door to simplicity. We can decide not to be frantic and scattered in our daily tasks. Instead we can be attentive, present in the moment, and focused on the one thing that is before us. Being in harmony with our surroundings is at least as important as efficiency. When we choose to push back against the hectic pace and move toward simplicity and harmony, we think more clearly, we know ourselves better, we make better choices, our physical health is stronger, and maybe we are actually more productive.
Today I will choose simplicity and harmony.

THIS!!  Love it!  In order to do this, I need good boundaries, as well.

~ WALK SOFTLY AND CARRY A BIG BOOK ~ (Official & Unofficial Sloganeering From the 12 Step Programs) ~
1) It's hard to be Grateful when you're Hateful.
2) Motivate, don't denigrate.
3) Keep the focus on yourself, but once the picture is taken, move on.

Tuesday, March 6, 2018
I think if I could, I would call a friend/family member to take the kids to school and would stay home to suffer.

Yes.  Dramatic.

But, menstrual migraines......... wow!  They are unfortunate.  I don't want to drive or stand up or do anything except lay in a dark room and listen to podcasts to keep my mind off of my pain.  Maybe meditations... hypnotherapy...

Now, luckily..... I will not do that.  I willl get dressed.

"Get up.  Suit up. Show up."  --- our organization's motto

I will get up, get dressed.  drop the kids off, get to work and take some medicine (unfortunately, I left it at work).  And then I'm sure I will get some relief and joy and purpose from a job well done at work.  And if I don't get relief, I can decide from there what is necessary. 

Ok.......... and up.

Thursday, February 15, 2018
I love Valentine's Day.

Yesterday was a day of ups and downs, for me.  I did some things really well at work and parenting and some things not so well.

I need to let go of the bad, learn from it and let it go... and then cling to the good.  And just enjoy it.

I am having a bit of trouble with being a yes person, procrastinating, etc.    So, just things to work on!

One of the most inspiring and encouraging things that happens at Al-Anon meetings is an expression of heartfelt gratitude from a member. For those who are hopeless and despairing, such a message as this gives a foretaste of lightened burdens:
“Life begins to make a great deal of sense to me since I came to Al-Anon. The world is beginning to reveal its beauty which for a long time was obscured by my worrying over my troubles. I am learning to deal with them now, and what makes it easier is that I deal only with the problems that are mine. I am learning I cannot carry another’s burdens, no matter how much I love him.”
One of Al-Anon’s important fringe benefits is that it increases my awareness of the world around me, so I can see and enjoy it. This alone helps to dim the difficulties I had been concentrating on, creating my own misery.
“After a time in Al-Anon, we discover we are acquiring a sense of reality which is absolutely essential to serenity.”

We talk a great deal about working the steps the program. Actually what we do is to practice what we’re learning. It’s like studying a second language. A student reads books and attends classes, but this only gave him technical knowledge. To be able to use the language he must be around those who speak and understand it. He practices listening and speaking while continuing to read. If he stays with it, in time it will become a lifelong skill.
So it is with many of us. We begin with little knowledge and many misconceptions. We go to meetings, learn about alcoholism, and study al-Anon literature. But to actually be able to use this knowledge takes time, patience, and effort. We spend time around people who speak the Al-Anon language, especially those who are making a strong commitment to practicing Al-Anon’s principles in their own lives. We continue to listen, to read, to learn. In this way the Al-Anon way of life sinks in until it becomes second nature. Then, because we are constantly changing, we have opportunities to learn and practice some more.
Today’s Reminder
If I want to become skillful at applying the al-Anon program to my life, I need to do more than go to an occasional meeting. I must make a commitment and practice, practice, practice.
“We are what we repeatedly do. Excellence , then, is not an act, but a habit.” Aristotle

Tuesday, February 13, 2018
I wrote this yesterday but just never published.  I actually had a fantastic day yesterday, but these thoughts were part of my authentic journey, so I'll leave them in.

I woke up cranky and resentful.

Yesterday was such a beautiful day.  But, I was resentful of the fact that I chose to sleep in the kids' bed last night.

J has been scared lately - totally developmentally appropriate.  And she wanted me to sleep with her once I went to bed (even if she was already asleep).  I told her I would.  Yet, she didn't even know I was there because she was deep asleep, by the time I arrived.

She woke up at 4am, asking me for water.  And I felt resentful.


Those are the feelings, I am not proud of.  They are my children....  my babies....  They are so young and so little.  Of COURSE, they are going to need me to take care of them.  And if they are asking me to do something for them that they COULD do by themselves, they need my instruction and support to get that autonomy.

There are lots of ways to solve this problem.  I think the number one thing is not to tell her that I'll sleep in her bed.  Saying you'll do something that you don't want to do from the joy of your own heart.... yah, it's not wise.

And then, second, is just put a water bottle in there, which we often do anyways.

And third (which, really is first) is t work on my self care.  I am cranky because I am not taking care of myself.  I am tired.  This is why I want to sleep in my own bed.  And I have been binge watching a show.  which is REALLY fun, but I'm dong it to avoid the parts of my life I'm not loving.

I want to own it  I need to own this beautiful life that I have.  Decisions that I've made.... ofr me and my family...

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I can not change.  (like the decisions made up to today)
The courage to change the things I can (like staying on a path to reach my future goals)
And the wisdom to know the difference.

Living one day at a time (ONLY today)
Enjoying one moment at a time (I can choose to enjoy THIS moment)
Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace.

Wednesday, February 7, 2018
Today I have a chance to make a contribution to my sense of well-being. I can take some small action that will strengthen a relationship, pursue a goal, or help me to feel better about myself. I don’t’ expect to dramatically alter my life. My goal is simply to move in a positive direction, knowing that major strides often begin with very small steps.
Perhaps I will ask someone to become my sponsor, reach out to a newcomer, or try a different Al-Anon meeting. I might get some exercise, make an appointment for a check-up, listen to some music or clean a closet. I could write a letter to a friend I’ve neglected or spend some time alone enjoying a few minutes of peace and quiet. Perhaps I’ll do something I’m afraid to do, just for the exercise. I might pick up groceries for a sick friend, fix a wobbling table, read a book to stimulate my mind. Maybe I’ll meditate on one of the Twelve Steps or share my experience, strength, and hope with someone who wants to hear it.
Today’s Reminder
There are so many ways in which I can improve the quality of my life. Instead of fretting about what I can’t have or can’t do, I’ll take action to create something positive in my life today.
“To improve the golden moment of opportunity, and catch the good that is within our reach, is the great art of life.” Samuel Johnson

LOVE THIS!!!!  What great tangible examples.