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Sunday, December 10, 2017
I'm going to be real real.

1) I am sad that my best friend is sick and gone and not the person I thought he was.  There are so many times that I want to tell him something or plan something with him.....  and he just isn't healthy.  I got to see him totally sober for the first time in awhile last Tuesday.  I like the kind of dad he is and the kind of person he is.  Kind of.

I like the person he presents himself as to me.  And I still miss him.  I think I've grown quite a bit in that I don't miss so much what he physically did for me.  There were a lot of expectations, previously.  But, I miss our interactions, who we are together.  etc.

There is nothing that really erases the truth that his morals are just not a match for me right now.  I don't need to go into what he has done.  J and I were watching some videos this morning from you tube. 

My biggest struggle is confronting reality.  And it's obviously still a struggle.  I am so sad that he has so much work to do to just be tolerably healthy.  And that he doesn't seem to want to make the big sacrifices to do it. 

This is where the serenity prayer comes in.  I know it's out of my control.  And I am completely powerless over it.  I am grateful to have coworkers that I can be real with.  One, in particular, who is studying to be a paralegal and helping me with divorce stuff.  She's also a rockstar al anon.  she has worked her steps several times over.




2) My program stinks right now.  I'm not making time for self care and wanting to please everyone and just be perfect.  It's not a huge surprise that I'd have to be more intentional about program after a huge transition.  But, it's true all the same.  I did an online meeting last night and it was really good.  I'm looking forward to doing a 90 in 90, or something close and just revamping my commitments.


That's all I wanted to share at the moment.  Trying to get it out instead of stuff.  Grateful for the outlet.....


Tuesday, November 21, 2017
Feeling Grateful!!!

1.  I am only working a couple of hours on Wednesday (I may not go in, at all!!).  I am off from work Thursday, Friday, Saturday and Sunday.  And I'll be paid my regular 40!!  I worked on Sunday, so that's why I don't need to work on Wednesday.  It all works out for a fantastic holiday and so much family time!!

2.  My leg is almost all better.  I am so grateful for modern medicine.  I had a spider bite or eczema or SOMETHING that got infected.  I went to the Emergency Room twice (mainly because I didn't want to miss work), but it got to the point where my foot was swelling........ and despite me playing it down, it could have gotten dangerous.  They gave me five different medicines to take.  This morning..... I took my last pill and I'm all healed!!  Very grateful!

3.   I am grateful for the wonderful people at work. 

4.  For the volunteers I work with.

5.  For the people in my al anon group.

6.  For work, itself!

7.  For health!  (I already said that, but I'm saying it again).

8.  For my sweet daughters!

9.  For my comfy green chair.  I am soon to get a sofa, and I'm nervous about change.  You think I'd be thankful.  But....... nervous, haha.  I'm sure it will be fine.

10  Thanksgiving.  I'm excited and grateful for Thanksgiving.  Hooray!
Sunday, November 12, 2017
Time to confront reality.

For so long, I felt overweight when I was perfectly healthy.  I knew I was in pretty good shape, health wise, but I had parts I was self conscious of. 

Recently, i have been feeling great about my body.  When I went shopping for interview clothes, they put me in a size 8!!  That's pretty much the size I was before I had kids.  Woo hoo!  And people have been telling me I look slimmer.  And I've been feeling slim and great.

Well, the person who led our meditation retreat last night posted some pictures......... and reality hit.

My body is not healthy right now.  I am so glad that I still feel comfortable in my body.  I do for the most part.  I feel small.  And I feel healthy.  And I can't imagine being 15 to 20lb smaller.  And then I look at those pictures..... and it was very noticeable that I am not a healthy weight. 

I am grateful for the wake up call.  I really didn't realize I was so big.  I was thinking I would be happy with 10lb less.  But..................  I am looking at an overweight person there.  So odd!  Anyways, on to get healthy again. 
Saturday, October 28, 2017
I've been journaling on paper a bit, recently, since my schedule has been out of whack and I don't always have time to get to the computer before work and after. I have been so tired.

I am so grateful for my new Solutions Family.

Last night, at my "Home" Al Anon group, was my first time acting as Secretary.  The group started out mostly all older men and women.  But, my Solutions family has started coming too.  So, I had the old friends I've been making.... my sponsor..... the previous Secretary coaching me through, and 6-7 of my new Solutions Family.  All women in their 20s and 30s.  They are getting sponsors and learning to work the program.  I come in to the group to lots of hugs.  It makes my heart smile.

I also have people to call if I need a babysitter.  I'm going to try to get an OA meeting into circulation. 

And yet, my life is disorganized.

I think there is a progress, not perfection thing going on. 

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I went back to read some posts from October 2016 to see my growth.

And Guess What?????

I was in a better place back then, recovery wise.  Sigh.  I know that recovery is like a spiral.  But, I definitely feel like I've moved backwards in my recovery.

Back in October 2016.  I had a growing support system at my old house.  I was working.  I was very grateful and I was spending a lot of quality time with the kids. 

I also get the sense that I was being my best self.  I saw things in the past blogs about O drinking and spending the night in garage.........  about having to drive around for hours because I didn't feel safe to come home..........

I was concerned about the kids exposure to him.  And the normalization at that kind of chaos. 

That still rings true today.  But, to be honest, things aren't necessarily better.  And the kids DID lose both their parents. 

I am not the patient loving mama they once had. 

I am in front of other people.  It's difficult to say this, but it's true.  But, at home, I keep losing my temper.  I'm tired.  And I overreact to little things. 

My life had a very poor foundation before.  But, it's almost like we have no foundation now. 

I'm not giving up.  I'm going to keep working on it. 

The kids are not exposed to alcoholism.  They aren't in physical danger.  We are working on building a schedule and things are looking up. 

---------------------

When a codependent focuses on themselves, I think it is often difficult.  When comparing myself to an active alcoholic, I can feel great about myself.  And, oddly, even act calmer and nicer to make a clear distinction.  Right now, it's just me.  The accountability is gone.  Maybe I need to set up an accountability to someone else other than God.  I think I do. 

I have grand ideas, but my priorities are out of whack.  My self care is out of whack.  I do have much to be grateful for.  Ok, that was my "brain vomit" for this morning. 

I'm meeting with a friend in about an hour and we are doing a play date with the kiddos.  Then, maybe the Farmer's Market.  Then, maybe, visit with Papa.  Then, I may be babysitting another kiddos' child so she can go out for the first time EVER, since her baby was born.  I am grateful she has chosen to trust me and hope she gets out.  I know they were both a bit sick yesterday, so that may be cancelled. 

I can see what I'm doing.  I need to get my priorities in order.  Higher Power, Food, Exercise.  I need to say no to seeing friends.  I need to schedule time for the absolute basics.  Sigh.  And I do need accountability.  I think that is something important in my life.









Monday, October 23, 2017
I just checked the weather report and it's going to rain today 100%!!!!  I am elated.  :)
It is Monday.  I am tired.  But, I have a good day ahead of me, I'm sure.

Self Care.

Sleep.

I need to put sleep first.  The weekends are often difficult for me.  Which i kind of sad.  I haven't been the mom I want to be.  I don't know if it is my new situation.....with me being a single parent.  I don't know if having a 2 and 4 year old is a challenge that would have brought this out of me anyways.

I think the right question, however, is not "why" but "how."

I am challenged.  This is a fact.  HOW am I going to deal with it?  Am I going to be "honest open and willing?"  Am I going to use this opportunity to grow as a person and take the help of my higher power.  Let go and let God?

Right now, I feel a little worried. So, I'm just going to do my gratitude, get some tea and get ready for work.  I have confidence that today will truly be lovely.  A lot of good things to look forward to!

Quick Gratitude
1) bells!!
2) a green and gold chair for my apartment (I lucked out!!)
3) painted pumpkins
4) my daughters' giggles
5) sound...................
HFT
The concept of “God as we understood Him” was hard to grasp. My family believed there is only one way to view God. My parents used religion to keep me in line. I believed we went to the only true church. There was a list of do’s and don’ts. I was afraid of God, viewing Him as a severe judge just waiting to punish me.
By the end of my first meeting, I was impressed with the acceptance I felt. There was no gossip or criticism. People were friendly even though they had differing opinions and beliefs. No one tried to change others by telling them what to think or how to feel. In Al-Anon I felt for the first time as if I could be myself. I could relax and let a Higher Power of my understanding evolve.
I realized the God of my parents had come in a very small box, not expansive enough for me. I fired that God and hired a new one. My new Higher Power is much bigger than the old one. He doesn’t live in a box. He lives in me and in those around me. He loves me, cares for me, and accepts me just as I am – a work of art in progress. He is a God who wants the best for everyone. My Higher Power can trun tragedy into something positive, because out of my difficult childhood has come a God I no long fear, but treasure.
Thought for the Day
Does my concept of God fit the new, recovering me?
“In Al-Anon, we can come to understand the nature pf a Power greater than ourselves in a personal, profound way and many of us have been amazed at the difference this understand makes in our lives.” As We Understood…., p. 71