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Monday, January 8, 2018
This was written about an hour after my vent...... maybe an hour and a half.

BECAUSE I was sitting outside my door, i got to talk to three of my neighbors.  I got to tell one how I was being a martyr, and then cut it out  That was nice (cutting my same in half/being authentic).  I got a number from one for a person who maybe will start a CODA group at our apartment complex.  That was pretty neat.  And............. I got to tell my story to a neighbor.... and it was invigorating.

I started to tell her how I have actually begun to fall asleep WHILE talking, when I used to tutor.  That led to me talking about my idea for tutoring online.  And why it's a good idea.  And how I used to have a couple of employees under me.  And how awesome my training program was (it really was!).  And how it was going really well until I got sick.

The adult child in me wants to take the blame for me getting sick. 

For some reason, I want to rewrite history and pretend like me getting sick was my fault.  It is the same reason why I feel so unsure about calling out of work.  My self care is very weak.  When I call out of work sick, I second guess and it triple guess it.  And I blame myself for the chaos and illness and combination (and possibly even depression that came with the pregnancy).... if it wasn't all just physical sickness. 

But, my business WAS going well.  It truly was!  I always had too much work, not enough.  And after my sickness, pretty much all my clients came back to me, except one.  But, new ones filled the spots.  Everything came together so quickly. 

And I did a great job.  And I do have a good idea for taking it online. 

Anyways........ it was like my flame was relit.  Which is nice.  Someone once told me that it was a matter of "when, not if."  And I don't know when my "when" will be.  But, I am grateful that I sat outside and talked with people.

And now, I can go to bed, but I am finding myself excited and journaling away.  One more thing to do and then I will be asleep quickly. 

Goodnight world. 
I am feeling like venting a bit. 

Part of my requirements for this program include a curfew/count.  You come out and say, "I'm here!" at 9:50pm on weeknights and 10:50pm on weekends. 

My particular problem is that sometimes I fall asleep.  It wouldn't be such an issue, except that I think I'm making it one.  Well, kind of yes, kind of no.  I missed a few nights when I accidentally fell asleep and now I'm on a contract.  So, if I can't stay up until 9:50pm, I get kicked out of the program.  People do decide to leave the program.  But, how silly would it be to leave over something like count.  A beautiful two bedroom apartment for a rate that I can actually afford, for not being able to stay awake. 

Whew.  And i cried while writing that.  Ugh.  I am tired. 

Anyways, I am outside.  It is a beautiful night!  It truly is.  I should get some good journaling done and some good reading done.  And this is only until February 22nd.  Then, I'm off my contract.  I can sit outside for a couple months.  Then I don't even have to come out anymore. 

But, I am tired.  And despite the beauty and niceness of sitting outside.  I don't want to be out here..... particularly crying. haha!  But, it is what it is. 

We have a picture book about colors being what you make them.... I think it is called, "My Blue is Happy.".  It talks about the color black being peaceful like the night sky.  I see that.  It is actually a nice exercise in mindfulness, out here. 

That is nice.  Out of victim mode.  Maybe I'll return to my book about Adult Children of Alcoholics.  From Survival to Recovery.  I can think of a few other things that I need to do, as well.

Ok.  I'm out.
Thursday, January 4, 2018
My daughters are kind and thoughtful and want to do well.  L laughs at herself when she falls and J is honest, telling me when she breaks the rules or does something she isn't allowed to. 

I am so so blessed to have these ladies as part of my family.  My little J was sick today.  I got to be grateful for her energy.  It faded away, as the pain killers wore off.  She laid still, eyes half open, in pain.  And then when the medicine worked again, she came back to me.  Her bouncy, enthusiastic, creative self.  L didn't want to  me to go to her bedroom tonight.  I separated the girls last night, due to the sickness and L really loved that.  But, I was falling asleep and needed to go outside for count (where I am now.)  I went outside and heard her crying with agony.  I went back inside to see her face pressed into a pillow as she expressed her depths of despair.  I hugged her, told her that she wasn't in trouble, but that I just needed to go outside, and she calmed down.  She understands so much.  she communicates so much. 

I got to watch the moon rise tonight.  I didn't even realize that was something that happened.  It is peach colored and glowing.  The clouds around it, emphasize the hazy ring that gives it mystique.  Beautiful.  And now I want to sleep.  I have one more hour before count.  And two more months before I don't need to do count anymore.  Lots of cleaning tonight, but I'll sleep early and wake up later.  Good night journal. 
Tuesday, January 2, 2018
Gratitude

1) literature
2) healthy girls
3) easy access to clean water
4) a car
5) a home
6 ) water w/ lemon this morning
7) music
8) the ability to type
9) a loving higher power (Thank God!!!)
10) The ability to hand my life over to him.


I want to make some art for my wall with our family goals, but I'm working on refining them.
They started as: Creativity, Compassion, Joy, Community and Excellence   I changed Excellence to Growth......... And I like them, but THREE of them start with C, haha.  So....... I am tweaking and finding words that I may like even more than the originals. 

Imagination, Joy, Growth ---- Compassion, Community, Authenticity.

I like Authenticity enough to make it permanent.  I have thought of changing Compassion to Tenderness and Community, I'm struggling with a word that feels more powerful to me, maybe connection, but that doesn't really have the meaning I want.  I mean more leaning on other people and being someone who can be leaned on, as well.  Not in isolation. 

It's a work in progress. 

Imagination, Joy, Growth, Authenticity, Community/Connection/Friendship/Citizenship (?)


Anyways......  My girls are wanting to both lie on the sofa, but they don't fit the way they'd like. 


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"If you have a resentment you want to be free of, if you will pray for that person or the thing that you resent, you will be free. If you will ask in prayer for everything you want for yourself to be given to them, you will be free. Ask for their health, their prosperity, their happiness, and you will be free."

- R
- A
-O

CTC
Turning to an alcoholic for affection and support can be like going to a hardware store for bread. Perhaps we expect a "good" parent to nurture and support our feelings, or a "loving" spouse to comfort and hold us when we are afraid, or a "caring" child to want to pitch in when we are ill are overwhelmed. While these loved ones may not meet our expectations, it is our expectations, not our loved ones, that have led us down.
Love is expressed in many ways, and those affected by alcoholism may not be able to express it the way we would like. But we can try to recognize love whenever and however it is offered. When it is not, we don't have to feel deprived; most of us find an unfailing source of love and Al-Anon. With the encouragement and support of others, we learn to treat our needs as important and appropriate, and to treat ourselves as deserving.
Today's Reminder
Today the alcoholic may or may not be able to give us what we desire. And no one person will ever offer all that we require. If we stop insisting that our needs be met according to our will, we may discover that all the love and support we need is already at our fingertips.
"In Al-Anon I discover in myself the power to throw new light on a seemingly hopeless situation. I learn I must use this power, not to change the alcoholic, over whom I am powerless, but to overcome my own distorted ideas and attitudes." One Day at a Time in Al-Anon
Saturday, December 30, 2017
Gratitude List

1) Warm STylish blanket from Christmas
2) Being able to move my legs. 
3) A computer
4) Our little fish, BB
5) Play dough & a little table
6) health
7) meeting goals
8) dancing
9) Peppermint smell
10) Creativity



Creativity, Compassion, Joy, Community, Growth

**I initially had Excellence in there, but I changed it to growth.  I think I want to somehow get or make 3d models of those for my house and hang them up over our dining table. 

I am so ready to go to church on Sunday.  My regular schedule has been interrupted so much and my mood is suffering from it.  I have been so tired this week.  I think I am tempted to look at small problems, as the cause, when it is most likely weeks of poor self care. 

One thing which is proving great for my self care is this essential oil air thing that I can't remember the name of.  I asked for it for Christmas and my mom got it for me!!!

Another interesting thing I heard regarding mother daughter relationshp is to "act as if."  It was an al anon speaker on youtube and it resonated with me.  "act as if."  I will NEVER ever EVER have the mother that I wanted or the childhood I wanted.  But, my childhood is in the past.  I've got to accept it because I don't have an iota of control over that.  But, I can control what kind of daughter I am.  I think I need to explore what kind of daughter I want to be and can be proud of.  Just like I had to determine what kind of wife I wanted to be and could be proud of..... and what kind of ex I wanted to be and could be proud of.  I have found that I can be a very loving ex and still have boundaries.  I hope to make that true for all of my relationships.

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"If you have a resentment you want to be free of, if you will pray for that person or the thing that you resent, you will be free. If you will ask in prayer for everything you want for yourself to be given to them, you will be free. Ask for their health, their prosperity, their happiness, and you will be free."

- R
- A

Friday, December 29, 2017
ODAT
"There are some things I absolutely refuse to accept," says a member at a meeting.
This is too often true of someone who suffers from inordinate pride or is unable to admit she is ever wrong.
Before I decide I cannot accept this or that, I had better examine my part in the deadlock. Were my expectations unreasonable? Did I demand too much? Am I being confronted with a natural reprisal for my rigid, uncompromising attitude?
If we have hurt someone or demanded too much of them, swift retribution may dismay or infuriate us. Shouldn't we search out the causes and do something to correct them?
Today's Reminder
If they feel ever so justified in "taking a stand" but let me consider whether it was something I did that led to the crisis. To remain unyielding may result in disaster I am still less prepared to accept!
"We are quick enough at perceiving and weighing what we suffer from others, but we mind not what others suffer from us." (Thomas A'Kempis)

Honest.  Open.  Willing.  If all else, I strive to be those three things.  


CTC
There are times when everything the alcoholic in my life does irritates me. Sometimes he even seems to pour the breakfast cereal wrong! Although it's important for me to learn to recognize and protect myself from unacceptable behavior, that's not always what is going on. When I catch myself watching and criticizing every little detail of his behavior, I can use this as a signal that something is going on with me that I've missed or discounted. Am I afraid of an upcoming review at my job? Did something I heard at the meeting stir up unresolved anger from my past? Am I acting this way because of an old resentment I have chosen not to discuss? Making an Al-Anon phone call can help me to sort it out.
Today's Reminder
It can be almost as hard for me to give up criticizing as it is for the alcoholic to give up drinking--sometimes it seems so necessary! But though criticism and negative thinking can serve as a steam valve for my pain, they never solve my problems, only distract me from them. In the end, I only avoid getting to know myself.
"A man can detect a speck in another's hair, but can't see the flies on his own nose." Mendele Mocher Seforim

I see myself doing this in relationships.  Not with O anymore, but when I had a crush, I think some of this even came up with that (oddly enough).


HFT
I've always had poor balance--unsteady on lender, unhappy hiking downhill, unable to put my socks on while standing. Some time ago I watched a karate black-belt competition. Much of the fighter's attention was focused on how his foot was planted on the ground. Only partial attention went to the other, airborne foot. I decided to undertake developing some of the same partnership with gravity, to learn to center myself over my planted foot. In time I became much better at putting on my socks.
Recently while picking my way across wet rocks beside a favorite stream, I felt a strong connection with the earth, my balance was sure, my choice of foothold certain and carefree. I could turn my attention to the scampering squirrels and grazing deer. I realized that in the same way I am learning to walk within the inexorable pull of gravity, I am also learning to center myself in God's will by using the many tools of Al-Anon, I am releasing my need to control, and I am learning to find my balance despite the strong, often unexpected winds of change and desire.
Thought for the Day
Little by little, one day at a time, by accepting the things I cannot change and changing the things I can, I will become more centered in God's gift of serenity.
"Al-Anon helps me to find some balance." Courage to Change, p. 54