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Thursday, July 28, 2016
Good Morning, World!  I am just filled with gratitude and awe on this beautiful morning.  I'm considering it as Day 5 on my eating plan.  Since my pre-Birthday binge didn't completely derail me, I'm counting it as a slip.  So, today is Day 6 and I feel great!  Including the cake in my eating plan made it completely guilt free.   I will continue to do this for special occasions to avoid derailing.

I'm trying to organize my thoughts about my birthday.  I am having difficulty expressing the events of the day and my feelings towards it.  Ok, I'm going to give it a gander.....................Things didn't go according to plan.  We drove to the dentist to find out the appointment is next week, Pinkberry didn't open until 11:30am and we ran out of time for the library.  Babysitter cancelled for al anon, etc. etc.  I started to feel the disappointment that often creeps into my adult birthdays (despite my ardent desire to expel it).  Expectations are planned resentments. But, how to completely erase them?  Here's what happened.  I did the next best thing, I called on higher power to fill my void, I decided to be happy with myself and take it moment by moment.  I am a woman of mantras these days.  "I can't.  He can.  I think I'll let him."  "There is a voice inside of you that whispers all day long, I know that this is right for me, I know that that is wrong..... etc. etc."  I had to say no to some people (out of my comfort zone) and I had to put me and my family first (out of my comfort zone).  I listened to some sermons on the radio, which seemed to be just for me.

But I did it.  I took advantage of Hubby's offer to watch the kids while I went to AAA to fix our car insurance stuff, drove to the mechanic and got my oil checked, went to Pinkberry (closed).  I did many more things.  Hilights include pool with J, speaking up for myself at Al Anon and with a client, work and going out friends for dessert.  My sister texted me asking how my bday was going while at work and I honestly told her that I'm just doing every day things, but they are things I love.  I love my work, I loved the fact that I tried to set up babysitting for our al anon group, I love doing things with the kids.  I am so incredibly blessed.

And throughout the day, I got messages from friends and family wishing me well.  I was swelling with love.  A good friend read my blog and during my morning period of disappointment, I got notifications of comments on my blog.  This blog, where I spill my deepest secrets and inadequacies.  And comments, acceptance = love.  What a gift!  I rarely speak of my gratitude for friends.  After work, I was yawning as I drove towards the restaurant I had planned to meet my mommy friends.  It's actually the first time I have hung out with them sans kids.  A few days before my bday, I texted about 7 mommy friends that I was turning 30 and going to get myself some dessert.  They were very welcome to join.  Babysitters were hired, plans were made.  Two couldn't come because babies had anxiety, but four friends came.  In mommy circles, this is amazing!  I was hoping one friend would come.  Even as I was driving there, I was wondering who would show (because last minute cancellations are common among playdates).  And I didn't expect anyone to be on time, I expected to sit and wait.  Well, they were on time.  I put on some messy makeup in the car and arrived to find my friend, A, already at the table.  I met L walking in, then C called to say she was lost and 10 minutes later J arrived.  I had gotten a table for six, but was expecting more like 3.  I couldn't believe that we filled it up.  Anyways, they sang Happy Birthday to me 2x, yes two times (and loudly) and there was a candle and I ordered a watermelon cocktail.  And my friends got me cards.  And in the cards, they wrote long messages about our friendship and my positive energy and enthusiasm.  It was beyond expectation.

And I got home and there were texts I hadn't seen and a couple video messages.  I was exploding with joy.  What a wonderful 30th birthday!!

And Hubby barely did anything.  For whatever reason, it was beyond his capability.  I don't know if he felt guilty or overwhelmed or.......... (?)  I asked him mid day, why he hadn't said Happy Birthday and he told me lukewarmly that he had set it to me early in the morning.  I guess, I was sleeping so didn't hear him?  Anyways........... it didn't matter at all and still doesn't.  I feel a little bad for him, not that strongly.  I mostly feel just so absolutely wonderful and excited that despite the fact that my "guy" didn't deliver, I had the best of times.  I am still just so surprised that I have made friends that are good enough friends to be there for me in this way.  I haven't been that involved of a friend the last year, year and a half and I felt very inspired to pass this on to others.

So..... let's move forward to my gratitude list.

1) Grateful for friends
2) Grateful for family
3) Grateful for being plugged into a community
4) Grateful for recovery tools
5) Grateful for health
6) Grateful for libraries
7) Grateful for pretend play and the little voice J makes for Lily.
7) Grateful for this very lovely morning!
Quote for the day
A stonecutter may strike a rock ninety-nine times with no apparent effect, not even a crack on the surface. Yet with the hundredth blow, the rock splits in two. It was not the final blow that did the trick, but all that had gone before.
The same is true of Al-Anon recovery. Perhaps I am working on accepting that alcoholism is a disease, or learning to detach, or struggling with self-pity. I may pursue a goal for months without obvious results and become convinced that I am wasting my time. But if I continue going to meetings, sharing about my struggle, taking it one day at a time, and being patient with myself, I may awaken to find that I have changed, seemingly overnight. Suddenly I have the acceptance, detachment, or serenity I've been seeking. The results may have revealed themselves abruptly, but I know that all those months of faith and hard work made the changes possible.

Slogans for today: Let go and let God, One Day at a Time, *be gentle to myself

Today, is one of my more scheduled days and with schedule, I thrive.  Library (for certain), speech therapy and pool.  Off to tidy up and get ready for the day's adventures.  


  1. I am so glad your birthday ended well and you felt so loved! The quote is perfect for me, btw. I am so grateful that you share your insight and mantras. They always help me. And you always check on me and provide needed support. I would definitely call that an involved friend. I thank God for you every day!