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Saturday, July 16, 2016

I'm Back!

It has been a long time since I started this blog and a long time since my last post.  So much has changed!

The first post on this blog was from 2012 and I was planning things that I wanted to accomplish before I was 30 years old.  I hit that milestone 11 days from today.  I have to laugh.  I was planning already.... four years in advance.  Trying to be so in control, so on top of things................  I don't think I could have possibly imagined how my life would look today.

My last post was in 2014.  J had already been born and it was before I left the safe world of denial and recognized that my life was falling apart.  It was before I reached my "bottom."  I have some beautiful goals at the beginning of 2014.  Great goals!  Very few of them have been realized, although some have.

So................what changed?  What changed my view of myself and thrust me into a world of revelation and "recovery."

I can trace it back to the Fall of 2014.  That was both when I became pregnant with L and when things started to feel out of control with my sweet husband.  

-  I found myself sick with pregnancy and overwhelmed.  I still can't separate how much was physical and how much was mental (this thought haunts me).  There were days I couldn't get out of bed or even sit up.  There was a lot of vomiting and a lot of vertigo.  I was incapacitated and unable to do my job on a regular business.  I was cancelling steadily.

-  I made the decision to close my business.  Perhaps keeping it open or hiring someone to save me and get it back together would have worked, but I was too sick to organize that (or felt I was) and I dissolved it.

- I joined Al Anon because Hubby was spiraling into an alcoholic and what I now know to be bipolar existence.

-  I burned through my savings.

-  Hubby borrowed and borrowed and borrowed to keep us afloat.  He drank and borrowed and drank and borrowed.  I started working on me.

-  I found out that Hubby was unfaithful many times. I got help for me.

-  When I had L, we had no gas (we were taking cold showers), no phone (I was using a prepaid skype phone which was outgoing calls only) and only had our car because a friend lent Hubby a huge sum of money to get it back from repossession.  Yet, I was happy and confident.  I was working a strong al anon program and was excited to meet my little girl.

- Shortly after having L, I went to live with my mom for several months.  Hubby was engaging in behaviors that made him unsafe to be around.  I now know that he was manic.  I need to note that he was not violent towards us, but was engaging in risky behavior of his own and people who were up to no good.

- Hubby tried to get sober and after inviting people into our home who stole his car, phone and valuables attended a short rehab for sex addiction and gave his psychiatrist permission to speak to me.  Shortly after, he was diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder and started on lithium.

2016 seems to be a New Year.  I am working again, although with no employees.  I sublet a cute little office in the best part of town.  Hubby is on medication that controls his impulses.  No acting out with sex, alcohol or marijuana............... No associating with criminal people.  We are slowly cleaning up our lives.  Past mistakes are haunting me and occasionally feel like they are dragging me down.  I'm swamped with debt.  My bank accounts have been levied for back taxes.  My relationship with Hubby is nice and polite and asexual (not the kind of marriage I'd like).  And my self esteem has taken a nose dive.

I choose not to work full time, seeking balance and serenity.  I have beautiful days filled with hiking with the babies, explorations of the arboretum, music and dancing.  We go to the library, pool and read, read, read.  One goal which I am sure we met was the 1000 books in a year.  That is easily met.  We go to the library 2x a week and have about 100 books out at a time.  I go to weekly al anon meetings and have organized babysitting this Summer at my home meeting.  I'm learning to find balance and maintain healthy boundaries and relationships.

I doubt my decision not to work full time, though.  I doubt my competency and my ability to get things done.  Years, now, of sleep deprivation make me less effective.  I feel that I am learning lessons now that I have needed to learn.  They are painful to learn and I find myself vulnerable and raw.  I'll be back with more posts.  I love the name of this blog.   "Living with Confidence"  That is what I strive to do.  I now depend on others and 12 step programs and a greater good, rather than my own ability.

It feels good to be writing here again!


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