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Sunday, August 21, 2016

Feelings aren't Facts

**I am so surprised.  I wrote quite a bit more to this, this morning.  It was wonderful and I enjoyed writing it and it gave such clarity.  I'm wondering whether to rewrite it or just let it be.  Despite me pushing the published button, it did not publish.  Ok, I'm rewriting it.  Half of this was written a couple days ago and half this morning (twice).  I am feeling full of hope this morning.  I believe I was starting to feel tormented when I stopped writing this previously.  Too much focus on situations out of my control (like my handsome husband).

Quote/passage 1
There was a piece of reality that I never wanted to see: I loved someone who couldn't be trusted. Again and again I suffered the disappointment of broken promises, contradictions and outright lies. Each time I felt crushed, betrayed, outraged. Nevertheless, hours or sometimes days later, I put the incident out of my mind. When the next promise was made, I trusted without hesitation and with my whole heart. 
I continue to find it hard to accept that I can't trust the promises of someone I love. Yet I see that most of my heartache has come from my own refusal to accept reality. Al-Anon helps me to trust my experiences more than the inconsistent words of others.
I'm learning not to depend on someone who has been consistently untrustworthy, but at the same time realizing that that is no excuse to give up on the whole human race. Facing reality means accepting that many of my experiences in Al-Anon demonstrate that there are people upon whom I can rely. 

Today's Reminder
Today I make a commitment to be honest with myself. By facing reality, I become someone I can depend upon.
"Awareness is so much better for me than closing out all feelings, shutting out people, withdrawing from living. No matter how hard the truth is or what the facts are, I prefer to know, look at, and accept this day." As We Understood . . .

This was my experience!  When it comes to the disease, it's a disease of lies and shame.  An active addict will do whatever he/she can to protect the addiction.  Hubby would tell me while he was slurring his words that he didn't drink.  He would say, "I would tell you if I was drinking," despite hidden beer bottles around the house.

So, here I am..... same house.  I have already incorrectly believed an addict 100x before.  How do you know what to believe??  You trust your gut and your intuition and higher power completely.  You know his/her words are not to be counted on, only actions.  He still says, "I would tell you if I was drinking."

But, there's a twist!  Your hubby is bipolar!  And now he's on medication.  And sometimes he has moods that you don't recognize.  Your gut tells you they are "off."  And "off" used to mean drinking and danger.  But, maybe they don't mean that anymore.  And you are triggered.

Feelings aren't facts.  It's an al anon saying and it's very relevant to my life.  So, that is why we look at actions.  And what a relief it is to rely on something so objective!  In fact, if I want to cut through my very own denial, I also need to discard words and look at my actions, as well.

Lately, I've been enjoying some blogs from al anon members.  I enjoyed this entire post on the subject from F.I.N.E. -Non blog, but am posting only an excerpt.

Passage 2
I hear the statement that feelings aren't facts at meetings frequently.  But as was shared in the meeting last night: “Feelings aren’t facts, but it’s a fact that I’m having my feelings”.  And that surely is okay because for so long emotions are often repressed around alcoholics.  They are repressed until they boil over in anger and resentment.  So feelings are a good thing.

But where does the phrase "Feelings aren't facts" come in?  To me this means that some of my thoughts are really fabricated projections and aren't based on reality....  (more on link above)

****This was just posted in one of my online al anon groups as advice to someone else.  I thought it was fantastic!  Just part of a larger answer, but right on target to my dialogue this morning.

  " Accept how you are feeling today (it's just a feeling and it will pass) and be kind to yourself."  I think this should be my new mantra!


  1. This is why it's so hard to trust myself. If I can't rely on feelings, and I don't think I have the greatest judgment, what do I do?