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Wednesday, August 3, 2016
My days have lots of joys in them, but I've been spiraling a bit the last few days in several different ways.  I apologized to Hubby today.  When I get stressed out, I start telling him what is wrong with him.  It is such a mean thing to do and I don't like this about myself.  But, when I feel bad about me, I am mean to him.......... kind of like a bully.  

This is what I learned in my family of origin.  This was modeled for me as a child and I started doing it without even knowing it.  I don't do this to anyone else, but I do it to my husband.  Awareness, Acceptance, Action.  Today, I can apologize for it, explain it and usually avoid it (instead of it being a consistent thing that I'm not even aware of.)  I have to resist demeaning myself for being this way can't allow self hate to exist.  I need to give myself kudos for my awareness.  When it comes to the three A's, I've done a bit of all with this character defect 

Let's talk about some things I like about myself.  This is what I wrote in my inventory. 
I like that I am kind and loving.  I have a big heart.  I like that I am a gentle parent.  I like that I want to be organized.  I like that I’m a go-getter.  I plan things and go out and do them.  I am an innovator.  I like that I love to learn.  I like that I try to be an intentional parent.  I like that I’m an outdoorsy gal.  I like that I have good affect.  I like that I enjoy life and am passionate about things.

Reading that actually helped a lot.  I have told Hubby that when I am hard on him, I am so much harder on myself.  Yesterday, I gave him a hard time for not feeding the kids in a healthy way, not brushing their teeth and for putting way too many shows on for them.  I told him that he is a "cheap babysitter, but does a horrible job."  It was so mean.  Before that happened, I told him I was stressed and it wasn't a good time to talk.  He kept asking me what was wrong though and I slipped.  The truth is that I would like to have healthier food in the house and meals pre-made for them when I go to work.  I am mad at myself for not doing that.  I would like it if he would brush their teeth before bed, but I could make a chart and have him check off (he does well with things like that).  I am mad at myself.  I have been letting them watch too much tv as well.  They are watching a show right now!!  I am mad at myself.  

And then poor Hubby had to defend himself.  He said that he used to be unhealthy, but he is better now.  It's all true.  It is very difficult for him to defend himself and I was very proud of him.  I just told him I was stressed and he is doing better.

I wish I could be a gentle loving person all the time.  Anyways, I was thinking about priorities this morning and I have so so so many things to do.  I feel like that as soon as I want to prioritize about one area, something else gets neglected.  So, for today, I'm going to be working steps 1-3 all day long and self care.  

"I can't.  He can.  I think I'll let him."  

I'm trying to do it on my own.  That's why everything is falling apart.  Self care is important, but an integral part of self care is not trying to do it all on your own.  Steps 1-3.

ok....

Quote for the Day
HFT
I've always wanted my mother to accept me for who I am. I know she loves me, but she seems to become so disappointed with little things. In Al-Anon I found the acceptance I craved. I truly began to believe that I am totally lovable and that although I make mistakes, I'm not a mistake. Although I do things differently than my mother, I am still a worthy person. However, it wasn't long before I found myself wishing for the same kind of acceptance from my mother that I get from the members of Al-Anon.
With the help of some of my Al-Anon friends, I discovered that I don't accept my mother as she is, either! I want her to embrace my way of thinking, start saying no to people, and not get so upset about unimportant issues. Basically I want here to think as I do, and Al-Anon has given me some words for this attitude: self-righteousness, arrogance, and control.
I've started to work on these character defects of mine by practicing "Live and Let Live." I attempt to keep the focus on myself and to embrace Tradition Eleven, which encourages me to exercise attraction rather than promotion. This change in my attitude has had a tremendous effect on our relationship. Since I stopped giving my mother unsolicited recommendations on how to improve her life, she no longer finds it necessary to try to reshape mine.
Thought for the day
When I point my finger at someone, three fingers are pointing back at me. Could this suggest that for every defect I want to correct in another, there might be three of my own that need some attention?
"Sometimes the things that bother us most about others are the very things we do ourselves without realizing it." How Al-Anon Works for Families & Friends of Alcoholics, p. 71

It's not related to today, but is very true.  I have done a fantastic job (for the most part.  present situation excluded) of staying inside my own hula hoop with hubby.  Live and let live.  But, with my mom.  It's a struggle!

Quick Gratitude List
1.  This cozy little home
2.  Cleanliness
3.  Dentists
4.  Vaccinations
5.  A healthy body
6.  My little munchkins
7.  My hunky hubby

Slogan for today:  I can't.  He can.  I think I'll let him.  

2 comments:

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  2. Thank you for your honesty and vulnerability. I can relate to being mean to certain people close to me. I can't ever imagine myself saying such things to you or any of the other ladies! Or even to acquaintances, yet I do it to those I'm supposed to love. It definitely has to do with trauma, of course. You've never caused me any trauma, but others have. And I'm harder on myself too and can relate to that last sentence of the quote. I'm working on forgiveness and acceptance, both for those who have hurt me and for myself. Not easily done.

    Maybe I'm crazy, but I thought you had two posts yesterday.

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