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Wednesday, August 17, 2016
Well, I'm struggling this morning.  It IS an absolutely lovely day.  I can see that.  I am grateful for it.  And I KNOW in my heart that higher power is in control, not me.

I can't.  He can.  I need to let him.

Hubby and I were depending on a $3000 check this month.  And I don't think it's going to come until next month.  Also, Julianne found my wallet and took everything out including a $300 check and I now can't find it.  I have no idea where she put it.  (Of course I can ask the person to reissue, but I would prefer not to do that.)

From my limited mindset, I feel in trouble.  Well, that's why we put our trust in a loving higher power, right?  From my view, things look bad.  But, He can conquer any limitation with ease.  I'm going to do my best to take care of my self today, be gentle with myself today, do things that make me happy (maybe a walk at the nature center), reach out to others and know that God has it under control.

God, Grant me the Serenity 
To accept the things I can not change, 
The courage to change the things
And the wisdom to know the difference.  

Living one day at at time,
enjoying one moment at time,
Accepting hardship as a pathway to Peace.
Trusting that You will make things all right
As I surrender to your will.

I have an Al Anon meeting later today, but may give someone a call earlier.  Speaking to someone usually gets me on track more quickly then an internal dialogue.

I am also feeling concern over a situation that happened yesterday.  Hubby took the girls to the park while he was watching them.  I was at work.

That is the entire situation.  That's what I'm experiencing a physiological reaction to.  Trauma.  When Hubby was active in his addiction, he used to take the girls out as an excuse to stop by the store and buy beer.  I honestly don't know the whole situation, but I believe possibly also to get attention from women.  He really used to love the attention he would get from women when he took them out.  I hope he never took them to another woman's house or anything like that, but I truly don't know what he did before I got my boundaries in place.  There has been a lot of deceit.

So, yesterday while he was watching them(something I already don't feel good about when he is anxious) he took them to the park without telling me before hand or preparing me.  I noticed they also went to the store.  The problem is that he acts the way he used to act before he would "act out" or have an episode.  He acts anxious and if I ask how he's doing he says, "good."

The solution is that I shouldn't let him watch the kids if I don't feel it is right, 100%.  I know this.  But, I'm so torn because we don't have the money to pay a sitter.  I mean, it's just not there.  I guess I could ask my mom, but it adds up very quickly - hundreds of dollars a week that she does't have.  So, another option is just to stay home.  That is the option that feels best, but then I cancel on my clients which is extremely unprofessional.  And if having to do it on a long term basis just sets me up so we REALLY don't have money, instead of getting  me in the situation where we can afford a sitter.

It's overwhelming.  I come home to the girls bathed, teeth brushed, in bed.  There is no evidence of neglect.  So, I am starting to sometimes let him watch them on days where he seems "off" to me.  Sometimes I cancel.  On days that he is the Hubby I recognize, I have zero doubt that he is the best babysitter around.  I won't know if he is (in my opinion) off or on until the hours before I leave.  The situations stinks and I'm not going to dwell on it.

I'm going to table it for the moment, as there is currently no better solution that I see.  I'm going to focus on one thing at a time and just do the next best thing.  I need to work and I need to make enough money to get us in a better situation.  I have a good plan for the future.

After I finish writing this, I'm going to take the girls to the nature center, see some beauty, get some exercise and then run to the bank.  I have a service that just turned off and I need to pay that.  Then al anon meeting and a full day of work.  The clients that I just assessed are starting today - as soon as they possibly can, so back to back clients until 8pm.

Goal today is to "Let Go and Let God."  I am so incredibly blessed.  We have free passes to a great kid center nearby and I think we will make a day of it on Friday.  I will say it again..... I am extremely blessed.  Self care and no big decisions today.  

Quote/Passage 1

Keep it Simple. Cut my day down into bite-size chews, and that way I'm not faced with a mountain I think I need to devour within the next ten minutes; I can take it one step, one day at a time. 
- Through an Al Anon Filter

Quote/Passage 2
When I'm tired, driving myself to accomplish more in this day is not self-care. It's not laziness to rest when I need rest, or sleep when sleep is what I require - my Higher Power has granted me relative health, and for that I'm grateful, but I need to give this corporal body the same attention that I would give any machine in my care. When the vacuum overheats, I shut it off and allow it to cool down, I don't try to keep on vacuuming until the motor blows. Yet how many times have I tried to drive myself past overwhelming fatigue, determined to conquer the annoying needs of this body which carries me around?
Self-care is not selfishness, it's good sense, and it feels good to give ourselves some pampering and loving.
- Through an Al Anon Filter

**Note - just found blog "Through an Al Anon Filter"   It is not an active blog, as the author has passed from cancer, but it is filled with a wealth of on topic posts and sorted by labels.  None of my daily meditations were on target for me today and I did a google search on al anon passages self care.  What I found was so valuable to me.  

Gratitude List
1)  Grateful for all of the wonderful resources in our area.
2) Grateful for al anon
3) Grateful for a hubby that WANTS to take the kids to the park and WANTs to spend time with them
4) Grateful for a healthy working mind.  
5) Grateful for my little munchkins, who have been all over me as I write this.  "Are you done yet?" says J.  Nooooot yet, haha!

Well, now I'm done.  Off we go to explore a beautiful day! 


  1. Did you find the check? I so wish we lived close to each other. I would watch those precious girls anytime for free! My boys would love it!

  2. I did find the check. And thanks, Cheski!

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