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Tuesday, September 20, 2016
Oh, how I have missed my daily writings.  I've been reading my daily meditations, but even that has been inconsistent.  Putting them here, hilight ing them and writing about them has been a big difference.  I'm going to get back to it....... because I'm losing my focus.

Head hurts badly today, but so grateful for this wonderful dark morning.

My handsome hubby dropped a figurative bombshell on me, sex addiction wise, and we had some drama about that.  Actually, I was so darn good about not making things overly dramatic...... but, I think I'm still a little traumatized.  To be fair, I've had this migraine since.  I had a great day relaxing yesterday morning, taking care of myself, but work was tough and last night was excruciating. 

I was so excited about paying all our bills, but I didn't remember to make a reserve. I'm writing this.... I think I've had a check in my wallet for $150 this whole time... since Thursday.  I just checked and I do.  Well.... that's what happens when you are losing your memory.  Wow!  I've refrained from buying migraine medication and some other important medication because I thought I had no money until today.  Very interesting how things work.  Anyways........ today we both had a lot of money coming in anyways from our bank accounts anyways.  Maybe it was meant to be. 

Moving on.....  Lots of really fun things to do today and I'm excited.  Another day of J's preschool and I get to drop her off this time.  We are slowly cleaning up our backyard and have planted some Lantana flowers.  We have been finding these flowers all throughout the Summer.  J loves to pick them and now we will have a bush in our own backyard!! It's so nice having a safe place for the kids to play, now that it's cooling down. J has her easel out there and she loves to go out there to paint, while the rest of us are in the house.  I love it!  Also, I brought home some furniture from the office because we are redecorating and we changed the setup of our living room.  I LOVE it!!  It feels like a real living room now and that fills my heart with joy!  Oh,and the backup sitter I hired yesterday speaks Mandarin and is bubbly and fun and an art teacher.  And seems super responsible.  And she's early 30s and kind of a perfect fit!  And...... the girls both really liked her!

Passage 1
If irrational and irresponsible behavior on the part of the alcoholic has betrayed us into assuming an attitude of contempt for him, some serious examination of ourselves is in order.
They are not "bad boys," who must be directed, disciplined or punished by us. They are sick, confused and guilt-ridden human beings with badly battered egos.
God has given no one the right to humiliate another. In every one of His children there are qualities that should command our respect, and to withhold it is a wrong that will return to wound us.
Today's Reminder
It is vital to my serenity to separate, in my mind, the sickness of alcoholism from the person who suffers from it. I will dignify him with the respect which is everyone's due. This, in turn, will give him back the self-esteem that is an important element in wanting sobriety.
"The surest plan to make a Man Is: Think him so." (James R. Lowell)

** Before I learned about recovery, I found a book which I still like, with reservation, called, "The Surrendered Wife" by Laura Doyle.  At that point in my life, I didn't realize hubby was an addict, and it is NOT written for partners of addicts.  But, it followed the philosophy of the quote at the bottom.  "The surest plan to make a Man is: Think him so."  It's a good quote and it likely holds much truth.  The only thing I don't like about the quote is the plan part.  Unless I am that man's parent, I don't need to be focusing on making him a man.  That's his journey and between him and God.  In fact, who am I to judge his "manship?" 

Anyways, perfect passage for me today.  Recap - Hubby and I have finally started to be physically intimate again.  So, nice!  And, with that, more emotionally intimate as well.  Several days in, I found myself asking him some questions about his sex addiction.  Now, one of the first things they tell you is NOT to do this, because you end up with intermittent disclosure and lots and lots of pain and trauma.  Much better to wait and do a full disclosure.  But, you know, my triggers have been super low/nonexistent and it's been over a year and a half and I felt connected and like I could hear it.  Anyways, I found out that the first time he cheated on me was before we were married...... mind.... blown.....  I heard it initially and thought it was interesting.  I was learning about my past, re-writing my history.  I was surprised that hubby had been lying for so long and surprised that I didn't notice.  But... trauma.  Anyways, a couple hours later, I started reading a bit online about it and crying while doing so.  Hubby (apparently had been drinking - I never know these days!), but threw a fit about my crying.  He started complaining about how he wish he hadn't told me and never wanted to tell me again.  I knew he was just struggling with seeing my grief and was trying to bate me, but I didn't want to be his sounding board for this.  I told him so and went in the other room to work.  He then told me that he was going to destroy his computer.  I told him it was his choice if he wanted to do that.  I got off his computer and started reading on my phone.  And then he came in with pliers and destroyed the wire to his computer (sparks went flying).  I just sat and watched, but felt like it was very scary.  He told me I was working too much and he wanted me to sleep (fair, but controlling much?).  It's his computer, he can destroy it if he wants.  But.... it wasn't very logical.  And whenever anything is getting bizarre like that, I get concerned about safety.  He told me to go to sleep and I told him that I didn't feel safe going to sleep.  He asked if I wanted him to go to the garage and I said, "yes, please!!!"  I was so grateful for that.  I didn't know if he was going to escalate it and I'd have to call the police.  I was considering taking the kids and leaving.  So, I was so glad that he left.  And then I did go to sleep with my ABCs of gratitude.  In terms of bipolar fits go, this was pretty harmless.  He just doesn't know how to deal with emotions and guilt and throw some alcohol on that and its a horrible combination.  Anyways, that was night before last.  I woke up with a huge migraine.

Oh...... and to make it interesting.  We had a birth control failure for the first time in our marriage that night.  We were using two types of birth control, but the more reliable one failed.  The likelihood of me getting pregnant is so so tiny.  It would be one of those stories that you occasionally hear does happen, but mainly worry about when you don't want to be pregnant.  I haven't been tracking my cycles, but based on my last period, it's fertile time for me.  So, I was thinking I'd get Plan B, but they said you have 72 hours.  We have a lot of money pending in our accounts, and thought they'd go through Monday morning.  Well, I woke up with a huge migraine to find that they actually don't go through until Tuesday morning.  So, I was just going to wait until today (Tuesday), but migraines are hormonal for me.  So, this probably means I just ovulated.  I usually get migraines the day before my period or the day I ovulate.  I actually wasn't crazy about hormonal birth control because I've never used it before.  But, we both know, as much fun as a little baby would be, it is not our version of a right time. 

Ok, so long story.... I know..... But, I've been feeling a little used and abused.  Just a little.  I know hubby feels super ashamed of what happened.  This rings very true for me, " They are sick, confused and guilt-ridden human beings with badly battered egos."  And, while I was kinder to him than he was himself, and gave him huge props for going to the garage and not escalating it more, I strongly strongly strongly urged him to cut out the alcohol.  I know.... I can't control this.........Higher Power can.......... And I've got to let him.  But, I still told him that I blamed the alcohol for the escalation (and I do).  Individuals with bipolar are often directed never to drink.  Yes, but still feeling a little shell shocked and the physical pain of the migraine doesn't make it any better. Plus, trying not to think, "what kind of perverse guy did I marry?"  I'm really surprised that this started so long ago... I'll have to grieve my loss over my perceived history.  sigh.  Hubby says he is going to try to get into a therapist this week.  I am getting tired of all the lies and secrets....

Passage 2
An Al-Anon member with a particularly serious problem was told by another at a meeting: "I just wouldn't put up with it!"
The answer came: "I am not, as you say, putting up with it. I am trying to correct my own faults, keep my mouth shut when I am tempted to yell and scream at him, and keep hands off his problems. You see, I never want to forget that I have a commitment to my husband. I want to live up to that commitment which I made, willingly and solemnly, when I married him."
Today's Reminder
Any marriage made in expectation of lifelong bliss and freedom from care is bound to bring us to some shocking realizations that life just isn't like that. An adult point of view recognizes that alcoholism and its train of troubles is only one of the disasters that can happen to a marriage. We would face others with courage; why not this? The commitment to the person we married demands that we do everything we can to correct our problems. What to do we learn in Al-Anon. How we use it is up to us.
". . . in sickness and in health, for better or for worse . . . "

** Again, another passage that I only agree with, in part.  what I have heard in al anon is that we don't tell others what to do because it's not our lives.  This strongly argues for staying.  That's not what I've heard before, so maybe these are just my perceptions about the passage.  The "I just wouldn't up with it" remark is one that comes from a place of misunderstanding and judgement.1) you don't really know what you would do before it happens and 2) It's not your life to decide what you would do, so probably better to respect that person and their right to live their own life.  I started with the recommendation to wait a year and work on myself and to see what changed.  I felt my marital duties strongly.  I don't think I feel that vow so strongly anymore.  But, I do believe there are many many many struggles one can go through and each is painful, regardless of perceived severity.  We see divorces in families with addiction and we see them in families with communication issues.  Both are painful.... both are real.  I have so much work to do on me and am happy to do that inside of the relationship.  But, I also have boundaries.  I have to feel emotionally and physically safe.  There are a few specifics too.  We have seen so much change.  Although what hubby did was attempting to be scare me (I think) and is it's own form of abuse, he actually didn't yell or curse or make any threats or triangulate.  He didn't try to damage any of my property - the computer is his personal computer which he lets me use for work, since I already broke my own. I'm going on a tangent.  I obviously have a lot to work through and process.  Anyways, if he started doing this again on a regular basis, I would have to leave or ask him to.  I'm still shaken.  It stinks!!

Passage 3
Trying to follow a suggestion I heard in Al-Anon meetings, I dutifully wrote lists of things for which I was grateful. I listed such things as my health, my job, and food on my table. When I was finished, I didn't feel very grateful; my mind was still weighted down with the negative thinking that had resulted from living with alcoholism. But I had made gesture, and the seed of gratitude was planted.
I gradually learned to appreciate the small accomplishments of my daily life. Perhaps I was able to avoid a pointless argument by reciting the Serenity Prayer, or my sharing helped a newcomer, or I finished something I had been neglecting. I was beginning to change. I made a point of recognizing small changes, and my self-esteem grew. The daily application of Al-Anon principles helped me to deepen my sense of gratitude and replace those nagging, negative thoughts. Eventually I was able to go back to my original list and be truly grateful for those things I had taken for granted.
Today's Reminder
I need to nurture myself with gratitude. Today I can practice appreciating myself, my world, and my Higher Power.
"I would lie in bed at night and say the alphabet, counting all the things I had to be grateful for, starting with the letter A . . . This made a great change in my life." As We Understood . . .

**Loved this one!! And apparently the recommendation for the A-Zs of gratefulness came from here!  How wonderful!  "I need to nurture myself with gratitude."  Another quote for my favorites wall.  Love!


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