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Thursday, September 8, 2016
Passage 1
After coming to Al-Anon, I have finally found peace. My father's alcoholism and my mother's reactions to it caused much pain in my childhood. I passed this pain on to my own family. My marriage was clearly and deeply affected by my feelings of abandonment and distrust. I expected my husband and children to fill the deep emptiness in my soul. When that didn't work, I tried church, work, community service, and being the perfect mother, volunteer, employee, and shop owner. The list of things I tried is endless. Finally in Al-Anon I found what worked -- my faith in a Higher Power. The empty feeling is gone now.

My mother died knowing I loved her and that I was grateful for everything she did for me. Al-Anon taught me she had done the best she could with the tools she had. My father suffers from alcoholic dementia. My other family members move him from institution to institution, hoping it is just Alzheimer's. I tell myself, "Live and Let Live."

I am not on this earth to change or control others. I am here to change and grow the best I can in order to serve my Higher Power. Sometimes I slip and make another person my "higher power." Then I pray, read Al-Anon literature, attend meetings, and talk with my Al-Anon family bout letting go. It is in letting go that I know peace and freedom, the "priceless gift of serenity." I belong in Al-Anon, where I never have to feel abandoned or empty again.

Thought for the Day
If I "keep coming back," I'll get what I need to fill my empty spaces.
"We see that none of the time that passed was wasted; although we didn't know it, we were quietly absorbing the program." Courage to Change, p. 135

**So interesting.  "Sometimes I slip and make another person my higher power."  Interesting way to think about codependency.  I certainly am elevating it above it's place and perhaps above other important things.  And when I focus on my true higher power, perspective becomes available.

Passage 2
We who have chosen our life partners from the ranks of alcoholics often feel our lives are especially difficult and complicated. And they often are. We come to believe, quite mistakenly, that we're the only people in the world with real trouble! Let us recognize that the alcoholic -- insecure, lonely, and often too sensitive to life's realities -- usually has many endearing qualities to be grateful for. Indeed, many of us wouldn't want to exchange him for a less interesting, if more dependable partner.
Yet matters may have reached the point of desperation and we are completely hopeless. What to do?
Today's Reminder
In Al-Anon I discover in myself the power to throw new light on a seemingly hopeless situation. I learn I must use this power, not to change the alcoholic over whom I am powerless, but to overcome my own distorted ideas and attitudes. If I can bring sunshine into our home, it cannot fail to affect those in it.
"Help me to use the gifts You have given me. I want to use them to help others through making my own world better and brighter."

**I have learned that every person has a "why me" situation.  Life can be difficult, but it's a bit easier when we realize we are all in this together.  And despite our "why me" situation, we have much to be grateful for. 

Passage 3

Is there anything that stands in the way of my trusting in a Higher Power? What obstacles block me from turning over my will and my life to God? In my case, the answer is obvious: I want guarantees. I hold out, thinking that I’ll come up with a new solution to my problems even though I’ve tried and failed, again and again. The risk of faith seems so great. if I turn a situation over, I won’t be in control. I can’t be sure I’ll get my way.
Yet I want recovery. If I continue to do what I have always done, I will continue to get what I have always gotten. I want the benefits that this spiritual program has to offer, Therefore I must take the risk and “Let go and let God.”
Maybe faith will bring me the results I seek, maybe not. Although there are not guarantees, the benefits of building a strong relationship with a Higher power can help me grow confident, strong and capable of coping with whatever comes to pass long after this particular crisis has been resolved.
Today’s Reminder
Today I will make contribution to my spiritual development. I will try to identify the obstacles that block my faith.
“Understanding is the reward of faith. therefore seek not to understand that thou mayest believe, but believe that thou mayest understand” Aurelius Augustinus

**I am 100% not as close to my higher power, as I was in the past.  My first thought was that I didn't want to give up the illusion of control..... even though........I really do know that I'm not in control.  And I'm glad I'm not in control!  My next was that I don't want to get hurt again.  I feel a bit burned.  I put my faith in God entirely and I got hurt.  I think I am scared to be vulnerable and trusting again. And even when I want to be vulnerable again, it is difficult to feel his presence.  My first sponsor was an avid reader and directed me towards the private writings of Mother Teresa, assuring me that faith and feelings of closeness ebb and flow.  I so appreciate her gentleness.  She is a sponsor through S-NON, which is why I stopped learning with her.  Working two programs was just too much for me, but she taught me so much about how to be gentle with myself.   I do think just praying for these obstacles to be removed may help though.  Very grateful for this passage.

I only slept 2 hours last night and it wasn't a full 2 hours.  I will need to be extra gentle with myself.  I am almost done with my webinar, but will likely stay up till 3am again working.  While, I want to take care of my body...... I am aware that starting a business takes a lot of hours.  I am investing in myself.  I do believe that I can survive a couple more days with low sleep.  I will take a short nap during my break at work and I don't plan to do much while home today.  Just try to work when I can and play with the kids, when I can.

Slogans for today: One Day at a Time, Keep it Simple, Do the next best thing, Easy does it.

Gratitude List
*I'm still doing gratitude lists to fall asleep at night and to keep my mind off of things during the day.  Last night I was laughing at my gratitudes, some new ones popped into mind.

A - Amazon Now
B - Bread (sourdough bread, to be specific)
C - I apparently can't remember more than two now, oops.  Ok, C will be Christmas (which J is already looking forward to)
D - drugs (I have a horrible migraine.  Hoping some medication helps)
E - My go to for E is epiphanies, which I am forever grateful for. 
D - 


  1. I also struggle with faith in my Higher Power. I can relate to the quote about making someone/something else my Higher Power.