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Sunday, September 25, 2016
So much to write about.  Everyone is asleep right now, except me.  I am gifted with the need for little sleep.  My body does enjoy sleep..... but without it, I am still a happy camper.  Happy, but forgetful!  And sleeping during the day is difficult.

So much to write about and I dally around with sleep, haha.  Ok...... where to start. 

First of all, I've been pondering my insecurities around parenting and why that makes socializing awkward, at times.  I've been thinking about possible lies that I tell myself around parenting and result in me wanting to display perfection.

Possible Lie #1:  People will judge you if you don't parent the same way they do (and that matters).
Possible Lie #2:  People will think less of you if you aren't the perfect parent.
Possible Lie #3:  People will know that I'm not a great parent because ____, ____ or _____.

Here are some truths to rebut the lies:
Truth #1: People will find you more relateable if you are honest in your flaws
Truth #2: People will let down their own guard, when you let down yours - resulting in more honest relationships.
Truth #3: Other peoples' opinions mean very little in the making of your parenting choices.  And that's because you research and learn and make choices that work best for you and the kids.
Truth #4:  You are NOT a perfect parent, and that's ok.
Truth #5:  If the girls have messy hair or dirty nails or mismatched clothes, it does not mean you are a bad parent.  It means they are kids and you are letting them be kids.  Something you decided that you want to do!
Truth #6:  Their behavior does not reflect on you.  ex: If J says something rude, it just means that is where SHE is in HER learning journey right now, it does not mean you haven't taught her well. 

**I think there are more, but I'll move on.

Today, I went to the Spanish service at a different local church.  I've realized for the umpteenth time that if I want the girls to speak Spanish (and I do), I need to take action.  And that I can still learn Spanish and that I WANT to learn Spanish.  It was a lot of fun.  J is responding to everyone in English still and I understand very little of what people say, but that's where we are on our journeys. 

One of the passages the other day, talked about being the star of your story and your story being dramatic and exciting.  Maybe my story is dramatic and exciting, but aren't they all?  I think I've held up Hubby being an addict and having mental health problems as a big horrible sounding thing.  But, isn't marriage just hard enough anyways.  For everyone?  At some point along the journey.  There was a woman in my Bible study who has been married to her husband for five years.  She has codependent tendencies, but he's a Christian, they both went to Bible college, no huge issues, but they are struggling to make it.  Her story is just as important and huge and dramatic as my own.  In fact, many many people struggle with bipolar and addiction, too.  But, even in the absence of that. This is just life.  Life is difficult.  We are going to broken at some point.... and we need to figure out what to do with that brokenness.  Oh and hubby's big ticket items almost make it easier for me to look like the "good one" in the relationship, which is all kinds of wrong.  There is no "good one."  We are both "good" and "bad" in our own human way.  And that's ok!

Ok, epiphany over..... On to Passages.

Passage 1
My parents are due to visit. Nothing promotes my relapse into compulsive, controlling behavior better than the anticipation of their judgment. Although these days they are kinder than when I was a child, I can still react. I began the obsessive battle to make my life, house, and yard perfect. The more i struggle, the more distant I feel from my Higher Power.

Today I humbly asked for help. "Show me the way off this merry-go-round," I prayed. "Draw me closer and show me how to trust You." Immediately I saw the image of a sailboat steered by a tiller. With the tiller under my Higher Power's hand, the boat of my will and my life glides cleanly through the waves. Without wise, steady, and consistent guidance, the tiller swings wildly, and the boat is tossed by each wave. Although I cannot do anything about the waves rolling into my life, I can hand the tiller of my life over to God and trust that I will be steered to safety.  

There is a path for me each day, just as there is a path through the water for each boat. My Higher Power can read the signs better than I. When I feel a nudge to do one task instead of another, I strive to respond willingly. Although another route may seem more appealing, I choose to trust that the course suggested by my Higher Power is the best for me.

Thought for the Day
Each time I doubt that my Higher Power knows the way, I'll remember how chaotic and complicated my life becomes when I try to take control.
"In Al-Anon I have come to know that I have a resource within me and all around me that can guide me through the most overwhelming fears and the most challenging decisions -- a Higher Power." Courage to Change, p. 327

**I highlighted a lot of this.  Loved the idea of the tiller.  Loved the last sentence especially, "I have a resource within and all around me that can guide me through the most overwhelming fear and the most challenging decisions - a Higher Power."

Even when I find myself growing in understanding of Al-Anon, and can see tangible results from my new attitudes, I might question such a statement as this:
"Al-Anon is a way to personal freedom."

Enmeshed in a difficult family situation, we doubt we can ever be free from all this woe and care. When we think how closely our live are intertwined with others, we're sure that personal freedom is impossible.

The key word is personal. We can free ourselves from many involvements that seem necessary. In Al-Anon we can learn to develop our own personalities, to reinforce our personal freedom by leaving others free to control their actions and destinies.

Today's Reminder
Personal freedom is mine for the taking. No matter how close are the ties of love and concern that bind me to my family and friends, I must always remember that I am an individual, free to be myself and live my own life in serenity and joy.

I find myself taking Step Three over and over again. Unfortunately, I often wait until a problem starts to overwhelm me before I finally give in and turn it over to my Higher Power. Nevertheless, today I am striving to place my entire will and life in my Higher Power's hands with the willingness to accept His or Her will for me, no matter what.

The awareness I have gained in Al-Anon lets me know that my way has seldom worked in the past. It's only when I let go and trust the inner voice that quietly nudges me in the direction of my Higher Power's choosing that my life becomes fulfilling.

Today's Reminder
Is there an area in my life that I treat as though it were too important to turn over to a Higher Power? Are my efforts to control that area making my life better and more manageable? Are they doing any good at all? I can hold on to my will until the situation becomes so painful that I am forced to submit, or I can put my energy where it can do me some good right now, and surrender to my Higher Power's care.
"I have held many things in my hands, and I have lost them all; but whatever I have placed in God's hands, that I still possess." Martin Luther

**Surrendering to Higher Power's care is such a beautiful thing to do, but difficult at the same time.  A lot of faith required.  


  1. Passages 1 & 3 really spoke to me. I have the strong desire to hand over control to God, yet not the courage to actually do it. However, over the past year and a half, I have seen that willingness go from nothing to a lot, so that counts for something. Maybe I just need a little more time and patience before I develop enough faith to truly surrender.

  2. Oh, and thank you for answering the parenting question! I will tell you something you once told me: you're an intentional parent. That speaks volumes. The fact that you care, that you research, that you try and adjust as needed, that you model for your girls, all show how wonderful of a mother you are.