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Wednesday, September 7, 2016
The topic of the meeting tonight was grief. 

Many shared about loss of loved ones, but I shared about grief over the loss of my expectations.  Actually, my share was extremely disjointed and all over the place.  I felt accepted though.  People were nodding with understanding.  They understood my disjointedness somehow, while I started at grief, went to expectations, then "feelings aren't facts," "it's ok to feel," etc. 

A nice thing also happened.  Unexpected laughter.  Near the beginning of my share, I mentioned that I was grieving over the fact that my husband wasn't what I had wanted him to be.  We were together for so long and he was the person to "take care of me."  I could depend on him.  I looked at him and saw "my rock," stability, love, hard work.  Whether it was a realistic depiction or not, that's what I saw in my hubby.  I could be a little emotional or high strung and his calm demeanor was a great balance. 

Well, to a certain extent, that was never accurate.  And to a certain extent, that is gone.  And to a certain extent, that is still there. 

I was writing a response to someone in my bipolar support group last night and started crying about that loss while typing.  I didn't stay in that place, but I cried while typing right now too.  It is a perceived loss that I feel strongly.  

Anyways, at the very beginning of my share, and with complete seriousness, I mentioned how I was grieving the loss of my expectations.  And that I had wanted hubby to "always take care of me."

........................unexpected laughter..........................

Just really a guffaw.  And from someone I know and adore.  She had heard my story so many times and said it herself so many times.  She held in a laugh because it's part of our disease.  Us looking for someone to "take care of us."  And it put it in perspective for me a bit.  Broke me out of my short pity party.  My grief is real, but I can grief and laugh at the same time.  Anyways... it reminded me of this passage I read earlier in the Summer.  And I was grateful for it!

CTC
A miraculous change has come about because of my commitment to the Al-Anon program: I have discovered that I have a sense of humor. When I came to these rooms, I never cracked a smile and resented anyone who did. I couldn't understand all the laughter during meetings; I didn't hear anything funny! Life was tragic and serious.

Recently, I was sharing about a series of events that I had found extremely difficult. It had been one of those weeks in which everything seemed to go wrong. The odd part was that now that it was over, I found my traumatic tale incredibly funny, and so did most of the others at the meeting.
More than any other change I have observed in myself, I find this the most glorious. It tells me that I see myself and my life in a more realistic way. I am no longer a victim, full of self-pity and bent on control of every aspect of my life. Today I can take myself and my circumstances more lightly. I can even allow joy and laughter to be a part of a difficult experience.

Today's Reminder
If I take a step back and look at this day as if I were watching a movie, I am sure to find at least a moment where I can enjoy some comic relief.
"You grow up the day you have the first real laugh -- at yourself." Ethel Barrymore




**And just to get back to something I mentioned earlier.  I am so darn used to looking at hubby as a disappointment.  It's harsh to say, but so true.  I just want to reframe this.  Someone can be an active addict, have bipolar and still be a huge sweetie and a gazillion wonderful things as well.  I need to change the way I think about him.  In many ways, he is still my "rock."  He is still hardworking.  He is a positive and sweet man and an involved Papa.  He has so much goodness in him.  And a LOT of shame, as well. 

1 comments:

  1. I completely understand grieving lost expectations.

    ReplyDelete