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Tuesday, November 15, 2016
Feeling sick and yucky today.  But, it's not that sick.  No fever, no vomiting.  Just a cold.  Will be babying myself today, all the same.  I only have three students.  So I figure baby myself and be productive and drink lots of water at home and then do what I need to do, as well.

I miss writing these journals while looking out at the beautiful mountains.......Mis hermosas montañas.

Last night, I was listening to an Al Anon speaker on youtube and had to stop it to write this down...

"When I'm trying to people please you, I'm not giving you the dignity of being who you are and feeling what you need to feel."  

I like to look at it in this way.  It really really resonated with me that by trying to do Hubby's journey for him, I was taking away his ability to do it by himself and receive all the credit.  I like the idea that by trying to control other's opinions and emotions, I am really preventing them from being who they need to be.  I'm not giving them that opportunity or chance.  And people pleasing is just uncomfortable for all, I think.

Anyways.... passages.

PASSAGE 1 - boundaries, resentment
One way Al-Anon is a big help is that it reminds me of truths I tend to forget. For example, I hear again and again at meetings, and read in the Al-Anon literature, “Alcoholism is a disease – the alcoholic is a sick human being – we do not punish people for being sick.”

I may give ample lip service to this idea, but when it comes to real acceptance my instinctive attitude toward the alcoholic is often hostile, as though he were an enemy, willfully bent on destroying me. I need Al-Anon’s constant reminders that such feelings hinder both my spiritual progress and improvement in the family situation. I must rid myself of the poison of resentment, indignation at a person I am not capable of judging fairly and useless pity for myself.

If I am suffering from bitterness against the alcoholic, I will cling to the thought that my growth and serenity depend on overcoming my animosity. Unless I free myself from it, I may carry it over into my relations with other people, even those who, in Al-Anon, are trying to help me.
“It is not men’s acts which disturb us – but our reaction to them. Take these away, and anger goes. No wrong act of another can bring shame on you.” – Marcus Aurelius

**It's not ok to shame someone because they are sick..... Hubby is drinking again.  I respect that he is staying away while doing so.  Yesterday was the first day he went without going to a meeting.  It took a lot of restraint for me not to comment on it.  Or shame him into going or try to remind him that if he misses three meetings, I want him to move out or we will.  I want to try to control or manipulate.  Even by just saying, "I love you" in a manipulative way.  I think I've moved away from shaming (which is good), but the desire to manipulate is still strong.  I felt like I was out of energy writing about powerlessness over alcohol.  But, hey, I guess not!  Apparently, I have to relearn some of it. I did refrain though.  I read a book and then texted him Good night.

PASSAGE 2 - QTIP, How Important Is it?
I used to feel very hurt if anyone gave me an angry look, spoke in a harsh tone, or didn’t speak at all. I’ve grown up enough in Al-Anon to realize that the look, tone, or mood of another person toward me often has nothing to do with me. It generally has more to do with what is going on inside the other person.

So why do my feelings still get hurt? It occurs to me that extreme sensitivity is a form of conceit – I think I am the focus of everyone’s actions. Am I so important that everything that goes on around me must have something to do with me? I suspect that attitude reflects my vanity instead of reality. And Vanity is simply a defect of character that I am working on changing.
With Al-Anon’s help, my sensitivity to all that happens around me has greatly lessened. I try to ask myself, “How important is it?” When I do carry the hurt, it only hurts and controls me.

Today’s Reminder
Other people are important to me, and sometimes their opinions matter, but I may be taking something personally that has nothing to do with me. Having opinions of my own about myself lets me accept other people’s thoughts without being controlled by them.
“It was through going to meetings and the daily readings of Al-Anon literature that I awakened to the fact that what other people did and said reflected on them; what I did and said reflected on me.” Living with Sobriety

** Some of this I'm going to add to my Step 1 post on controlling others opinions.  

I also have to note that L is just in the CUTEST stage imaginable.  I feel like I always say that.  But, she talks like a little bird or imaginary creature (it's so cute) and is really into bringing me objects she takes from her sister (like markers) with huge delight.  She still toddles instead of runs and has been playing ball with me while I write this.  I roll it to her and she shrieks with joy and then walks it back to me.  Gets back in position and I say, "1, 2, 3" and roll it to her.  repeated joy.  Just soooooo adorable!  It's really more like fetch, but will turn into catch, once she gets older.  

PASSAGE 3 - Let go and let God, Step 1
"When I heard 'Let Go and Let God' for the first time, it didn't make sense to me. Let go of what? And let God do what? The little I did understand was the futility of my efforts to try to control other people, places, and things. Al-Anon told me I could turn my attention to monitoring myself and my reactions.

I let go of other people and I began to feel some relief. I let go of what others said or didn't say, and what they did or didn't do. I let go of my expectations. I no longer felt a need to be a people-pleaser. As I let go, I found I lived more harmoniously with myself and with others. I began to take more responsibility for myself. I figured if I could accept myself, I could accept other people too.
I let go of outcomes. It was okay if things didn't go the way I envisioned. Sometimes the results were better than I anticipated. It was no longer important that others read from the script that my expectations had written.

As I let go, I learned I could let God. 'Letting God' doesn't mean I abdicate my responsibilities. In fact, I become more accountable for myself. 'Letting God' indicates that I accept my imperfections and grow toward the person I dream I can be. 'Letting go and letting God' means I can enjoy being responsible for what is rightfully mine and leave the rest to God.

Thought for the Day
'Let go' comes before 'let God' for a reason. I can't expect God to do anything if I am still holding onto my problem.
'When we put this slogan to work, we get out of the way.' How Al-Anon Works for Families & Friends of Alcoholics, p. 76"

**Well, isn't this timely?  Tomorrow is my meeting with my sponsor.  She asked me to do the exercises and then compile what Step 1 means to me.

On another note, J woke up this morning, looked outside and said, "Hello World!"  Very similar to how I do, every morning.  If I can teach them gratitude, it will be the greatest gift.

And to end....

El éxito y el fracaso son dos impostores.   Success and failure are two impostors.
Jorge Luis Borges


  1. I love everything in this post. So relevant. And your girls are adorable. :) Why don't you get to see the mountains anymore?