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Monday, November 7, 2016
I don't think I've talked about this one, but it's such a GREAT slogan!

QTIP - Quit Taking it Personal



As a codependent, with a history of bad boundaries, I tend to make things about myself, haha! 

ex:
- My husband starts DRINKING (because, you know, he has an addiction) - I take it personal.
- My mom insults me (because she has horrible social skills, and is arguable a Narcissist) - I take it personal.

I am pretty good at taking things personal.  This, I am slowly changing.
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My post an a Facebook Al Anon group from Sunday.  I didn't have a chance to blog out the passages yesterday, but did get to read through them.  I'll post the one I reference below.

HFT
When I first heard of not accepting unacceptable behavior, I felt confused. The Al-Anon program forthrightly states I'm powerless over others-so how can I regulate them? Some members refer to limiting unacceptable behavior as setting boundaries. Boundaries, however, aren't rules I can enforce on others. They are standards of conduct I set for my own benefit.

In my program, boundaries are a civilizing ingredient in social interaction, a matter of self-respect and respect for others. Setting limits requires some degree of communication skills because others cannot read my mind nor I theirs. Others need to know how I feel and I need to lovingly communicate my feelings. Likewise, it is important that I listen to and respect their feelings.

I can't expect others to share my values. Sometimes I make choices in my own best interest that others don't understand. If my boundary is not respected, I remember the Serenity Prayer, communicate my limit, and in quietness and serenity do what is needed to take care of myself. I don't have to end the relationship. However, I do have to recognize my responsibility to honor myself as a child of God who is worthy of respect.

I am more mindful of my boundaries when I'm around those I do not trust. With those I do trust, I can be more flexible. If I allow my boundaries to be violated repeatedly, I am a volunteer rather than a victim. It's my responsibility to stick with people who are affirming and trustworthy and to limit my exposure to those who are not.

Thought for the Day
I demonstrate dignity and respect for myself and for others when I honor my values as well as theirs.

"Today I have the option to set limits, to draw a line that I will not allow to be crossed:' How AI-Anon Works for Families & Friends of Alcoholics, p. 25

**My mom is someone who I can not trust emotionally.  In some ways, I can.  Not in this.  Here is my post...






The passage from HFT today on boundaries spoke to my issue. I'd love some personal feedback though. My mom came to visit yesterday. She had a great time with the kids and they with her, but she made some comments about my house that I am obsessing over. Just little things about what I could do to improve it. they came out as criticisms, but I am sure she was just trying to be helpful, in her own way. It is the next morning and I am still obsessing over the comments and feeling hurt. I am reminded to, "take my own inventory.". I am also reminded that another member told me in a jokingly and kind way that us, al anons, tend to be quite sensitive. I have thought about not having her to my house. We do much better, at her house..... but I don't want to prevent my kids from seeing their loving grandma over a few criticisms and we don't travel to her house often. "How important is it?" also comes to mind. Not very important. And I am so grateful to have her love and generosity in our lives. Grateful that she made a long drive. Grateful that she brought toys for my kids to Play with during the visit. Grateful that she very generously gifted my oldest daughter with clothes. Grateful that she is healthy and well. And grateful that my higher power will love and accept me even if I have done all the things "wrong" that she pointed out. And that my worth is not based on my perfection. Feeling better now, but comments still welcome.

I really wanted to email my mom and tell her I didn't appreciate those comments.  But, I just kept getting reminded to take my own inventory, not hers.  Writing it out, in the post above, severed my obsessive thoughts.  The gratitude did it more than anything else. 

I did receive some comments.  When posting in a group like this everyone is at different points of their recovery, so you have to be discerning about comments.


Most helpful comment 1: QTIP  (the reason for this post. And a reminder that could sound harsh, but I was so grateful for.)

Most helpful comment 2: Let go.  Let go or be dragged.  

Most helpful comment 3: Don't give her opinions such power.  

2 comments:

  1. I love this whole post! I'm glad you received useful advice and that gratitude helped as well.

    ReplyDelete