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Wednesday, November 23, 2016
Oh, how I am not in control.

I'm not really sure of a great way out of this.  I feel like I have been trusting God on and off and hoping that the answer will just appear to me.  But, I'm thinking I need to do some more work too.  But, I don't even know what to do. 

So, I'm in a bind.

With work....

Monday, I had two babysitters cancel on me.  Yesterday, I had one cancel and couldn't find another.  I did have some babysitters apply that are "new."  So, they have no background check, no reviews.  How can I let them watch my babies?  The answer seems to be I can't.  I don't feel right letting Hubby watch the babies anymore.  And I feel confident in that decision.  At least for awhile.  So, I cancel work.

One of my new "ish" clients emailed me and asked if it was "normal" for me to cancel this much.

shame. shame. shame.

The truth?.................. yes, on occasion!  Do I feel that it is professional?............. nope.  Do I know how to get myself out of it?...................... nope. 

So, I responded telling her that it was unpredictable.  I didn't have great support babysitting wise and I like to be with my girls when they are sick.  I gave her a referral to another tutor. 

She said she wanted to stay with me.  But, she def. wants her son to see progress -- of course........................ I want him to, as well.  He is actually the sweetest boy in the world. Or at least one of them.....  But, I can't seem to figure this out.  And I feel like I should be able to.

And then L wakes up at 8pm (they go to sleep early) with a 102 + fever.  She runs high when sick, but she's sick.  I give her medication, hope she will feel better.  The medication seems to keep the fever down for only a very short period and then it's up again.  Then she throws up.  It's about 2am and she only just went back down to sleep.  And we usually wake up at 5am, if lucky.  And I haven't gotten any sleep. 

Anyways.....o ne of my very first thoughts when Laura wake up with a fever is.................. shoot!  I may have to cancel on this client again.  It's so disrespectful and so not who I want to be.  I don't like making commitments that I can't keep.

But, what in the world?  We have a new sitter today too.  She has a lot of reviews and seems fantastic, but L has never even met her before.  And if she's feeling sick, I'm supposed to just leave her with someone who she's not even met? 

My pride.

But, the thing is, if I don't work.  I can't pay for things and get the stability I want for my family.  It seems like I should be able to figure this out.  But, even though I have a Masters, my specialty is in private practice.  I don't have the credentials needed to get this type of job with a school or big organization and even if I did, it's slim pickings or long hours.   I check the job ads occasionally and it seems the jobs I'm qualified for are not enough to afford childcare. 

And now, I'm just kind of venting.  I need to sleep.  But, I wanted to get this out.

I am so so so so so so so so not in control and my life is totally unmanageable.  And it sucks! 

And my new sponsor, I don't think is a very good sponsor.  And I'm disappointed.  And I could be wrong because I don't trust myself.  But, she spent a lot of time telling me I wasn't in a good situation or that Hubby should be helping with money and that it's "not good" that he doesn't.  Um, yah!!!!  But, I'm trying to tell her, I can't control that.  I'm letting that go because it's not in my control.  And doesn't she get that if we separate, it's not like he's going to help then, anyways.  And I'm def. not jumping into another relationship for a LONG time.  Soooo, I know I need to pray and wait to feel peace on the sponsor thing. 

And I'm starting to get off track.  But, I wanted to get it out.

I know that in order to get a new job and financial situation, I need to get out of my old one.  And I'm trying to be open to see what God has in store for me.  And I love my current job and if I fill  up my time slots can make it work money wise.  Yet..... I feel so conflicted advertising to fill my spots when I'm cancelling on these kiddos.  My life is just so chaotic right now. 

And I think online is the way to go. 


Thank you, Lord, for being present, even when I am confused and don't know how to make it work.  Please, let this be an exercise in trusting you.  I have seen you, again and again provide for me.  I trust that you will humble me as much as I need to be humbled.  Help me set my eyes on you and feel safe in that. 

Thank you for the thousands of things you have blessed me with in every day.  Help me face my fears and face my weaknesses.  And not feel like cancelling one day of work because my daughter is sick makes me a failure. 

I pray for wisdom and awareness and peace.  And I pray for a clear way out of this financial mess.  I also pray for courage to face people when my weaknesses are exposed. 

Your loving daughter.......


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