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Monday, November 14, 2016
Powerlessness over my Finances

I think this is a pertinent one to explore for today.  We all only have so much control over our financial situation.  We can get laid off, clients can cancel.  Even if we are in tip top condition and have followed the suggested educational and career path to a tee, it may not work out how we want it to.  And I haven't done that. 




Why is it difficult to admit my powerlessness?
Because I don't want to rely on God.  God is huge and capable of anything!  Yet..... he is unknown.  At this point, I have seen what relying on myself can do.  Recognizing the unmanageability helps with the dependence upon God.  I am the known though.  I still want to believe that if i do ____, ____ and _____, my finances will soar.  Of course, that is not truth.  So many unknowns.  It's difficult to maintain the faith though, so I find myself trying to rely on me.  I have also taken credit for many successes, whereas the glory belongs to God.  By me taking credit, I come to believe that I am responsible for those successes.  Silly silly me.  
 
How do the effects of the disease of alcoholism make my life unmanageable? (I'm keeping this question the same)
It is difficult to focus on my self care and the overwhelming feelings and grief involved in having a loved one go down hill, and still focus on my career.  Also, having a spouse that can't be depended on is tricky.  It has been difficult for me to separate my funds from him and really believe that he is sick.  I am still learning that he is not dependable.  I just always want to be able to trust him again and again.    
 
What keeps me holding on to the illusion that I have the power to change someone else? 
I don't know that this pertains.  
 
In what ways does denial hamper my ability to let go of people, places and situations?
I am at the point, where I don't think I have control of finances.  I feel entirely lost.  I need to do the serenity prayer in order to differentiate what I do have control over and don't.  I need to realize that I have SOME control and depend on God for the rest.  Right now, I just feel lost.  Like I have messed it all up and am just trying to float.  Luckily, this is when I start to depend on my Higher Power to save me.  I look forward to seeing what he can do.  
 
How does Step One change my perspective about MONEY (changed from the disease of alcoholism)?
It helps me give glory to God and rely on God even on things that used to be every day matters. 
 
How do I determine I am powerless over money?
I pray and listen and do my serenity power.  Yet, I don't stop acting entirely.  I do "the next right thing." 
  
How does Step One help me let go of misplaced blame and undeserved shame?
It helps me realize that this financial situation is not all of my fault.  I feel tremendous blame for what has happened financially.  But, if I realize that I don't actually control everything in regards to my money, I can release the enormous blame I have placed on myself and the "undeserved" shame I feel.  It is very difficult.  I need to remember that "undeserved shame."  Whenever I feel shame about my finances, I need to remember, "undeserved shame..... you are not in control."  God is in control and I am where I need to be right now.  Humility.
 
 
 
What benefits have I experienced in applying Step One?
Well, if I can manage this, I will have freed myself of a lot of pain and opened myself up to levity and joy in this area.  Joy in finances has not been around for a long time. 
 
 
What tools of the Al Anon program do I use to find serenity when my life becomes unmanageable?
 I think I need to remember these mantras.  I need to pray.  I need to remember, "Don't.  Let God."  "Relax, God is in control."  "undeserved shame.... you are not in control."  "God is in control of your finances and will take care of you."  And just pray for this shame to go away.       

1 comments:

  1. I'm so sorry about the financial struggles. That definitely is a tough one as it is part of everyday life. Even though that's not part of my story, I get the shame.

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