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Wednesday, November 16, 2016

Powerlessness Sum

How do I compile all this info into a quick discussion of powerlessness.

I think the gist of it, is that I am powerless over almost everything in this world.  The things I can control, however, are important.  Even those are not guaranteed.  But, I can control my actions.  I can control what direction I attempt to go in.  Everything else is in God's hands.  The fruits of my labor are in God's hands.  And other people's thoughts and behavior are certainly between themselves and God.

Here's a list of some of the things I struggle with most ardently, when doing step 1.

1.  My husband's addiction  (I still find a huge desire to manipulate, by being extra sweet or thoughtful.  This started by HALTing and avoiding getting in arguments.  Just being my best self, so he couldn't blame me as the reason to drink and then leaving for my own positive activities.  That was great.  It started morphing into manipulation though.  Now, I sometimes just have to not talk and leave because everything I think of to say is being manipulative (like, telling him about MY program or feeling extra sad on purpose to shame him).  Yup!  These are my instincts.  Luckily, I am apologizing when I do and stopping a lot too. 


2.  Finances - I can release some guilt about what happened financially because I am not in control of everything and that's ok.  And I can let go of "undeserved shame."

3.  Other people's opinions of me (or anything, including the election) - I find myself anxious or putting on a show sometimes in front of other moms, especially, but just in, in general.  I think the reason why I do this is actually that I'm trying to control what they are thinking.  Which is crazy and insane.  And also, I completely lose my identity trying to be what other people want.   

2 comments:

  1. I've realized I'm extremely manipulative and shaming. Not a nice thing to admit to yourself. I like your perspective on people pleasing.

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    1. I'm manipulative and shaming too. I can be extremely demeaning and I jump into it very quickly, too. I used to do it all the time without thinking twice about it. I can say that I rarely do it now. But, when new things pop up or when self care is down, it's just my automatic. Refreshing to know we can recognize this and change though. Recognizing it really is the most essential step. And, for me, I went YEARS without realizing what I was doing was out of the ordinary. :/

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