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Friday, November 25, 2016
Sick, cuddly, cute, adorable babies are tough.  We've been up 2-4am, but I'm hopefully she's actually going to stay asleep this time.

Anyways, I just felt like grieving a little bit tonight.  There are so many times that I want a partner like...... I feel like I used to have........ or thought I had.  I've grieved this loss before.  And I don't know if it's a forever loss. And I know a lot of people grieve this loss..... that it's not turning out how they wanted it to, for a variety of reasons. 

But, Hubby isn't drinking right now, but it's still just so tough on him.  I ran a race yesterday with the kids.  I want it to be a Thanksgiving tradition.  This is something hubby and I have talked about since long before the kids were born as a fun thing to do.  The only thing is that I have run every year without him.  And I don't even see myself as a runner. 

I was with Hubby for 9 years before we had kids.  And in those years we went to so many races.  He was always the runner.  I was the amazing hard core fan.  I loved cheering for him and driving from spot to spot along the marathon course to see him as he went.  I love the spirit of races. I love the athleticism and the atmosphere and comradery among fellow runners and fans.  

Hubby hasn't run a race since J was in my tummy.  It just is not how I pictured it.  Our lives changed so dramatically.  I've run a few so that I can introduce this into the kids' lives and I think that's great.  I love that I'm running and we get to still have fun with it.

But, it's so sad.  My sponsor told me that I can't, "pity him into recovery."  But, I'm not trying to pity him into recovery.  It just feels like I lost someone very dear to me. 

We went on so many adventures together.  And we still do have an adventure here or there.  It's just so unpredictable.  Waiting for Hubby to be in a "healthy" mood.

Yesterday, he slept until 4pm and then was anxious.  He came in for Thanksgiving dinner and acted very anxious/OCD ish.  He was talking about laundry.  And this is just mental health.  My husband is sick and it completely stinks.

And this is the same man who supported me through Grad school and, in my eyes, was capable of anything.  Unlimited potential.  I don't really want to go to a place where I'm wondering what could have been.  Especially because there was a lot of denial previously. But, I do think I need to leave space open to grieve my loss. 

I feel like a single mama sometimes.

Anyways............... time for self pity to STOP.  L has been up with me again.  She didn't go back to sleep.  Wake up time is in 15 minutes, so J wi1ll soon be joining us.  Should be interesting sleep wise for tomorrow. 

Ok, it's morning now.  Around 10am.  Hubby actually heard me crying while I was writing the above and asked me what was wrong.  I told him and asked, "isn't it sad?"  And he said, "No!"  And I said, "No?"  And he said, "Do you know why it's not sad?"  And I said, "No."  And he said, "Because my story isn't over yet" and gave me a hug.  Then, he took L and let me get an hour of sleep before J woke up (luckily slept in).

That's the husband I know.  That's the husband I love and the husband who appears sporadically.  He is "himself" today.  I feel the need to cram a lot of Christmas traditions in before he goes away again.  And he is right.  His story isn't over yet and neither is mine.  I'm so glad that he can see clearly! 

Lots of interruptions today.  6:30pm.  Hubby and I are going to try to talk about something using the guidelines for Recovering Couples Anonymous.  We are trying to sandwich our meeting between recovery and self care things.  So, he is doing a meeting first.  I don't have a phone meeting at this time, so decided to do my passages.  I'll do a meeting after.  I was super proud of myself because I wanted to talk to Hubby immediately about this issue, but restrained myself.  I was so mad.  Now, I am calm and ready.  He initially requested a meeting on Sunday, but I felt that was too long and asked if we could do it tonight. 


PASSAGE 1 - sponsorship
If I want what you have, I need to become willing to do what you have done. For me this was the central tenet of Al-Anon’s practice of sponsorship. While growing up in an alcoholic environment, I had become afraid of people and mistrustful of intimacy. Initially I resisted many of the program’s suggestions. It took me a long time to get a sponsor, but eventually, because I wanted what one particular person had, I asked her what she had done to achieve it. She became my sponsor. My recovery accelerated as I became willing to ask for another member’s help.

Today I am blessed to have a sponsor and to be a sponsor for others. I am one link in a great chain of people helping people. Having once felt incredibly alone and isolated, I’m not connected once again with humanity. The roles of sponsor and sponsee have taught me so much about normal, loving human relationships. I have learned how to practice unconditional love and emotional detachment, how to set healthy boundaries, how to care for people without taking care of them, and how to let others get close to me without losing myself.

Thought for the Day
Sponsorship works when people love themselves enough to ask for help and when others love themselves enough to say yes.
“The most important thing is to be willing to reach out and ask for the help we need, human to human.” How Al-Anon Works for Families & Friends of Alcoholics, p. 37

** I feel like my sponsorship has, after an initial great meeting, had a rocky start.  I think I need to open with my sponsor and give us a chance to have a real relationship by telling her about my hesitations.

When I came to Al-Anon, I knew that a close relative drank too much, and I knew I wasn’t happy, but I didn’t think I needed much help. I went to a meeting every week unless there was something else to do and I didn’t get a sponsor. I grew, but slowly.

A crisis brought my leisurely approach to recover to an end. When I lost someone very special to me, the pain was almost more than I could stand. I was lucky; I had learned enough to pick up the phone and call someone in Al-Anon. That person helped me to make it through the crisis, but that was only the beginning. I saw how badly I needed the strength and skills that Al-Anon had to offer. I began going to quite a few meetings each week, doing service work, calling Al-Anon friends. My recovery really took off! Today, practicing the program gets top priority in my life, because I know where I would have wound up without that crisis.

Today’s Reminder
Sometimes the greatest growth comes through pain, but it’s not the pain that helps me grow, it’s my response to it. Will I suffer through the experience and continue as before or let the pain inspire changes that help me grow? The choice is mine.

“I had learned in Al-Anon to look for opportunities for growth in every situation. This attitude allowed me to gain many spiritual riches from the pain I was experiencing.“ . . . . In All Our Affairs

**Opportunities for growth.  J climbed into a situation that she thought she couldn't handle.  She was crying and yelling, "save me, save me."  I saw her.  I saw her fear.  I saw that she possibly could hurt herself, but the chances were very low and it was unlikely to be serious.  And I saw an opportunity for growth.  I told her, "I'm here.  I believe in you.  You found your way up and I know that you can find your way down."   

I sat there with her while she cried.  I encouraged her to take deep breaths and calm her body.  When she shouted, "I can't!" I challenged her to think, "How can I?"  She actually peed herself because she was so scared. 

But, I"m a stubborn mama.  I told her that it's normal to pee yourself when your scared and even adults do it when very scared.  I then continued to encourage her to calm her body, trust her balance and know that she is in God's hands. 

The whole thing probably only took 5 minutes.  After she got down, I told her, "I knew she could do it" and gave her a big hug! 

Anyways............... opportunities for growth.  To J, she may have thought she got herself in a horrible spot.  It was a total crisis!  She climbed up and now she was stuck!  As her Mama, I saw an opportunity for growth.  An opportunity to practice calming down, trusting her own body, trusting God, believing in herself and maybe only getting in situations, she knows she can get herself out of climbing wise. 

I think so many of us do not learn what we need to learn until crisis hits.  I wonder if God looks at the crisis as an opportunity for growth, thinking of all the lessons we could learn.  Then watching our realizations.

PASSAGE 3 - If in Doubt - Don't, Let Go and Let God
About two years ago, my parents divorced. At that time I made it clear I was not going to do any mediation. I did fairly well staying physically out of their problems, but mentally I was a mess. My mother couldn’t hear me when I said no. It got to the point that having no contact with either of them seemed to be the best choice for maintaining my sanity.

In principle this was a great idea, except that both my parents and I are actively involved in Al-Anon service. My father is a dual member, and my mother recently became a group representative. My husband and I were with my father at a program conference when my mother walked in to the Al-Anon meeting. I panicked. What should I do if a conflict arose between them after the meeting? If it did, how could I keep from being pulled into it?

My husband noticed my reaction and gently reminded me of my tendency to obsess and project. His comment, together with my Al-Anon training, reminded me that the best way to handle the situation was to practice “Let Go and Let God” and do nothing. Later, after writing a little and talking with my sponsor, I was able to let both of them go and enjoy the rest of the conference.
Thought for the Day

Al-Anon teaches me to avoid the “have to” syndrome. When I feel like I just absolutely have to do something about a situation that is not a true crisis, it’s best to sit still, do nothing, and wait for my Higher Power’s guidance.

“When I think of letting go I remind myself that there is a natural order to life – a chain of events that a Higher Power has in mind. When I let go of a situation, I allow life to unfold according to that plan.” Courage to Change, p. 203

**"It's best to sit still, do nothing and wait for my Higher Power's guidance."  I love this!  I believe it!  But, it sure is uncomfortable.

The only thing I may modify is "do nothing."  I do believe you need to be reading, listening, praying, seeking information.  Maybe making yourself open to different ideas.  In some situations, just self care I think will bring you to the decision.  But, I don't think just "doing nothing" will always get you there. Maybe... "sit still, do nothing and listen for higher power's guidance." 


  1. Love the hubby's reply! That last passage resonated with me most. Yay for J getting down!