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Wednesday, November 16, 2016
So, only 3.5 hours until I go to work and, yes, some wonderful things have gotten done.  I still surprise myself at my inability to predict how long things take with kids.  I am already having to adjust my expectations.

In these 3.5 hours I need to..............

- pick up/clean living room
- pick up/clean kitchen
- leave info for new babysitter
- make sure snacks and food is prepped for babysitter
- plan fun activities for kids with babysitters

All of those are a priority, but fun activities aren't that important.  I also want to be prepared for my meeting today with my sponsor on powerlessness.

And do our gratitude tree.  And we are NOT getting out for a walk this morning.  :)

Luckily, work runs itself.  I have great kids and I am fantastic at my job.  J is currently making me a snack in the kitchen.  She is so so so so so so excited and proud of herself for closing the baby gate so baby sister can't get in.  I guess I am letting her make a mess while I write this out.  She is so proud of herself.  I've been portioning things out and leaving them low so that she can make us food iwthout it being such a mess.

ANYWAYS..... wooo, that got me calmer, writing all that out.

SET ASIDE PRAYER
"Dear God please help me to set aside everything I think I know about powerlessness so I may have an open mind and a new experience.  Please help me to see the truth. AMEN." 

STEP 1 AA PRAYER - ADAPTED
Dear Lord,
I admit that I am powerless over my husband's addiction.
I admit that my life is unmanageable when I try to control it.
Help me this day to understand
The true meaning of powerlessness.
Remove from me all denial of his addiction.



**I really like the last part, I feel denial creeps in again and again and I want to trust.  I know that "nothing changes if nothing changes."


Powerlessness over Alcoholism


Why is it difficult to admit my powerlessness?
I think trusting my higher power is not an automatic response.  My automatic response is to "do."  To feel like I'm "doing" something.  My disease is to "do" something to "help" (insert laughter) his disease.  This is what I saw in my family of origin, this is how I spent my life.  When there was a problem, I set out to fixing.  I'm a very goal oriented gal.  To let go and let God requires vulnerability and faith.  It requires the opposite of "doing" at least regarding that problem.  The fact is that I have a gazillion problems I actually do have power over in my own life.  So, I guess knowing where to address that energy.  Also, it is vulnerability.  Admitting you don't have control, means the worst case scenarios I may be thinking might actually happen.  It means getting rid of the coping mechanism of denial and it's painful.  
**I am actually keeping this whole question the same.  
How do the effects of the disease of alcoholism make my life unmanageable? (I'm keeping this question the same)
It is difficult to focus on my self care and the overwhelming feelings and grief involved in having a loved one go down hill, and still focus on my career.  Also, having a spouse that can't be depended on is tricky.  It has been difficult for me to separate my funds from him and really believe that he is sick.  I am still learning that he is not dependable.  I just always want to be able to trust him again and again.    
What keeps me holding on to the illusion that I have the power to change someone else? 
I think it's fear.  If I can't change him, he may not be changed.  I can't do it for him, he may/may not do it for himself.  That means I have to face scary realities that I don't even want to think about regarding my loved ones. 
In what ways does denial hamper my ability to let go of people, places and situations?
Well, when I thought it was my responsibility, I didn't want to let go because that was my "job."  The denial that I had power was working in an opposite to the purpose of letting go.  If you think you can save someone, don't you have the responsibility to do it, right?
How does Step One change my perspective  about the disease of alcoholism)?
I think it helped me to see alcoholism as a disease.  I didn't see it that way initially.  And when you think of it as a disease of the brain, like schizophrenia, you start to grieve and realize you don't have control.  
How do I determine I am powerless over alcoholism?
Well, I can look back at how unsuccessful I've been in making any difference.  I can also read literature, attend meetings and here stories from people who have been through this before. 
  
How does Step One help me let go of misplaced blame and undeserved shame?
I am not responsible for his behavior.  Whether he doesn't go to a party he RSVPed to or stays out all night or etc. etc., that is not me.  I don't have to answer for him.  I used to want to make excuses for him and think that reflected on me.  I am grateful that is long gone. 
What benefits have I experienced in applying Step One?
It helped me focus on myself for the first time, in a long time.  I was able to be real with other people and made relationships and friendships, I got involved with healthy activities and exercise and I started looking at and working on my issues. 
What tools of the Al Anon program do I use to find serenity when my life becomes unmanageable?
  Serenity prayer, meditation, literature, act, don't react.  Reach out to a friend or program person.

2 comments:

  1. I am so impressed by all the healthy changes you've made in your life. Reading your blog reveals to me all the ways in which I still need to learn and grow.

    I like this prayer. I think it can apply to anything: "Dear God, please help me to set aside everything I think I know . . . so I may have an open mind and a new experience."

    ReplyDelete
  2. 1) Thank you! 2) The Set Aside prayer is from the Big Book of AA

    ReplyDelete