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Monday, December 19, 2016
Ok, fine.  I'll write.

I've been avoiding this.  You know.........  getting healthy.....   staying healthy.........   choosing to be healthy.,,,,,

So, update time:  Slowly easing into my new life.  I have notified all of my students that I'm leaving and told the person I'm subletting the office from.  My car might be gone forever.  We took it into my mom's mechanic because it needed a new spark plug and they couldn't get it to start.  They found the problem, but it's possibly worth more than the car itself to fix.  And................ Hubby told me today that he doesn't want to talk to me until next month or see the kids.  So goodbye to a family together at Christmas or at New Years.

And............. the kids are sick.  But, barely.  Small fever, coughs, throw up, all normal at this time of the year.

Those are the bad things.  Good - I talked to a couple people in my line of business today.  One is super connected and invited me to a group to network.  I listened to a seminar for my business today and got inspired again.

And honestly, the car may be good or bad.  I feel like the timing of all this is so interesting.  So odd that I'm losing my car at the same time as so much else in my life right now.  But, we have our health and a lot of gratitude for that.  Also a lot of time together.

I miss the hubby, but I completely understand him wanting space.

I'm going to try out tutoring remotely tomorrow for the first time in awhile.  I'm nervous!  If it goes well, the student may continue with me.  If not, they probably will not.

And the girls haven't been asking about Hubby at all.  Well, to be fair, L can't ask.  But J could and it disconcerts me.

If Hubby bowed out now and decided not to be a part of their lives, many of our memories would be in my memory alone.  The significance would remain to few others.  And the girls wouldn't remember all of his tender acts as Papa.  Ideally, these memories that hold such value would be shared for a lifetime.

oK..... One day at at time.....  I think I'm falling into the trap of "stinking thinking."  So, I'm going to stop.

I'm going to read today's passages and then do some work.  Be constructive....

I'm not going to check my phone again to see if Hubby changed his mind and actually does want to talk to me after all (sigh).  Still codependent from afar.  :)

PASSAGE 1 - Self care
Alcoholism is a three-fold--physical, emotional, and spiritual--disease. Because I’ve been affected by another's alcoholism, I check on my own physical, emotional, and spiritual well-being by asking myself:
Is my physical well-being of priority? Do I eat well and get enough sleep? When was the last time I had a checkup or went to a dentist? Do I keep myself clean? Take breaks? Exercise?
Do I ask for or give a hug when I need to? Am I growing more aware of my feelings? Do I have a sponsor and Al-Anon friends to help me through the rough times? Can I celebrate when things go well? Am I taking time to enjoy myself? Is any of the attention I once gave to negative thinking now focused on gratitude?
Do I have a relationship with a Power greater than myself? If not, am I willing to give it a try? Do I make time for prayer and meditation? Am I more willing to ask for help? Do I regularly attend Al-Anon meetings, read Al-Anon literature, and apply the Steps and other tools to my everyday life? Do I recognize and acknowledge my growth?
Today's Reminder
By simply taking inventory of my self-care habits, I am beginning to improve them.
"Better keep yourself clean and bright; you are the window through which you must see the world." George Bernard Shaw

***Why are these always so spot on?  Really wonderful.  And I appreciated the quote at the ed by George Bernard Shaw, as well.  

There are 168 hours in each week. Those who come to Al-Anon for help have many of those hours filled with disturbing and even painful experience: uncertainty, unfilled needs and even violence. There are ways to overcome much of this distress, and Al-Anon offers us one way.
Isn't it worth one little hour out of 168 to come to an Al-Anon meeting? Isn't it worth 10 minutes a day for reading the Al-Anon books that tell us what we can do to help ourselves and perhaps half an hour to give a lift to another person in trouble?
Today's Reminder
It takes so little time out of the week to learn how Al-Anon applies to me and my chaotic life that the changes I can bring about seem like miracles. Living the Al-Anon way is an every day program, and the more thought I give to it, the greater my rewards will be--in contentment, fulfillment and constant spiritual growth.
"Every minute I use in thinking and using the Al-Anon program makes all the hours of my week more livable."

I was given few choices as a child growing up in an alcoholic family. I was told what to believe and how to believe. If I deviated even slightly from the chosen path, I was reproached and corrected. What I ate, what music I listened to, who my friends were, what clothes I wore, what I watched on television, and what church I attended depended on my parents' control. They wanted to show the world a "perfect family." Needless to say, I didn't develop any individuality. I was too busy caretaking and obsessing about the rules to find out who I was inside.
When Al-Anon asked me to focus on myself, I didn't understand what that meant. I had no idea what were my likes, dislikes, needs, or desires. When I listen to others share, I thought they were a little strange. How could it fix the alcoholic for them to talk about themselves?
Slowly I became aware that Al-Anon was for me, not the alcoholic. I learned that I already had inside myself all the answers I would ever need to all the questions I would ever have. The key to finding them, however, was to go inside and become acquainted with myself. Through my Fourth Step I got to know my own thoughts, feelings, and talents. What I found wasn't too pretty, but I stayed with the program and trusted the Steps. As I cleaned away the debris of shame and guilt in Steps Five through Nine, my inner knowledge and wisdom--the voice of my Higher Power--became clearer. I found a peace I never knew was possible.
Thought for the Day
I like the me I am discovering.
"With the program to guide me, I can be myself and become something better than I ever thought possible." Alateen--a day at a time, p. 114


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