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Monday, January 2, 2017
I thought I'd be able to write this post, but the computer screen may just be too bright.

Dimming.  A little better.




My sweet sweet L woke me up at 2am this morning.  Yes, this is inconvenient to me, but to her, her little heart was breaking.  Her cry was powerful.  In, I went.  I pick her up and instant and total relaxation.  She is safe.  She knows she is safe because I am there.  Her chubby arms and hands are draped over my back and her head is completely relaxed into my neck/chin.

When Mama is here, she is safe.  I tried to cozy her up back in her own bed, but was met with shrieks of horror.  I decided "just for tonight" she could come in bed with me.  As soon as we laid down, she turned her head and looked at me with glee.  She was so happy to be comfy and cozy with mama, secure and joyful.  And moments later, she was asleep.


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Earlier, today (or yesterday, actually), J was running away from me in an almost empty parking lot (just what she should have been doing.... right?).  But she was running fast and with joy.... leaping, laughing, so excited to be partaking in such mischief.

I watch her with baby L on my chest in the ergo, perplexed.  What do I do with this wild child?

Until...... splat.

Down she goes.

Huge cries...... and she is walking back to mama, seemingly hysterical.  She is holding her hand and her mouth is open wide with wailing.  Strangely enough, this sweet child stopped to pick a dandelion for me, while bawling her little eyes out.  She slowly and surely made her way back to me, barely able to make out the words "mama, mama, mama" through her tears, over and over and over again.  (Can I express how much I love that, even in a dark moment, she stopped to pick up a flower)... moving on....

A little blood in the mouth (her lips bleed easily with falls) and a skinned up hand.  Nothing mama hadn't done many many times as a kid.  But, this was her first time.  She's never had a skinned hand before.  It hurt.  And she had enough experience to know that the wipes in the first aid kit sometimes hurt, too.  She wants me to help, but she doesn't want me to help.

A constant tug-a-war.  "mama, help me, it hurts" "No, don't touch me, mama, I don't want to wash my hand, no, no, no"  The first aid kit wasn't happening.... in the car we go to Grandma's house.  Hysteria continued through the entire care ride,.... at this point in her little 3 year old life, this girl is not calm in an emergency.  Crying so hard, she can barely talk....

I validate her feelings and attempt to distract her through a made up rock musical.  I'm singing my heart out in the car, "It hurts. It hurts.  It really really hurts.  Ouch ouch ouch.  My hand shouldn't feel this way, I'm kiiiiinda, scared!!  My mom. she says. it's gonna be ok.  But, ouch ouch ouch, it really hurts."  It seemed to help.  She wasn't listening to my validations when I spoke them, but singing got them across.

If we were home, the songs would have continued inside.  Hubby knows, loves and accepts my musical life and love of acting in child like and nontraditional ways with my sweet kids.  Oddly enough, it doesn't have a place in the home I grew up in.

Ok.... in we go.... to judgement.  I'm about to do everything wrong (whether voiced or unvoiced).

J is still in hysterics.  I try to give her choices, let her do things herself.  She still requires me to hold her against her will while washing out her hand.  Then she's a little calmer.  Neosporin.... much calmer.  Band aid....... calm.  With splotches around the face and eyes, she looks up and says, "Thank you, Mama."

And to the park we go.  To feeding ducks, riding tricycles with passion and swinging on swings.

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Hubby is missing the kids.  He is thinking of moving down here, too.  These children breathe life into all around them.  Despite the fact that we've turned my mom's life upside down and cost her a LOT of money (which she's chosen to spend, but also felt required to spend), she said she will miss us when we go back to visit Hubby today.

Plans include parades and snow.  And I have a migraine like headache, possibly an actual migraine.

I tried to go back to sleep for awhile, but my head hurts so badly and I feel a lot of nausea.  The medicine has caffeine in it, but was necessary.

And I was planning on waking up at 4am anyways, to drive up to Hubs.  Medicine has kicked in a little, but I still feel so sick.  I'm not ready to drive yet.  Since I don't drink coffee and drink caffeinated tea, only infrequently, the caffeine really affects me - even to a point of feeling uncomfortable.  The positive is that I'll likely be very alert for the drive.

Tonight at 11pm, I have an interview for a tutoring company teaching English remotely to students in China.  It seems like a really fun opportunity.  The lessons are super high energy and for younger kids, so a lot of fun.  The person who told me about it says she works about 25 hours a week and makes around $20 an hour.  It can take awhile to build up a clientele, but I think it's worth it.  The best and worst part is that the hours are prime time after school hours in China, 2-6am in my local time.  It's the best part because I don't need child care.  YAY!  So, $20 an hour, actually makes the job worth it.  It's scary for me because sleep is so important.  My kids go to sleep at 6pm though, so if I go to sleep then, too, I can actually get some good sleep in before waking up to work.

I've got to give it a try.  I've also been doing mystery shopping again and have two students tutoring with me remotely.

So, this month, I'm hoping to pull in a little income (which goes much further when I'm not paying $2250 rent for the house and office).  And then, February will likely be much better financially.  I'll be paying rent to my mom, but the amount will be insanely low and I'll finally get to pay off some of the debt that has been weighing on me.  It is freeing.

I am going to miss having bedtimes with the baby girls, though.  My tutoring clients fall during our reading and goodnight hour.  So, I'll miss that 2x a week for now, and later probably 5x a week.  We will just have to have a reading hour in the  morning, too.

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Poor Hubby is back at home with all the rent, late bills, etc. weighing down on him.  He wants to keep the house so badly.  It's a lot for any one person to handle.  And he's had ideas for second jobs and renting a room, but he just can't seem to act.

I hate mental illness.  My mom mentioned to me that she feels bad for me if I have to date again because it's just so hard to trust men.  I told her that was very very far off (if ever) and that if I did it now, I'd probably try to find someone perfect again and then find out how imperfect we all are, all over again.

To this, my mom responded that if Hubby was still the same man he was when I married him, I'd probably marry him again.

1) this was validation in my decision making (my mom also doesn't know about the sexual issues)
2) this reminded me that there really was a mental health component.

Hubby had goals.  He always had plans and ideas for his future.  We had so much in common and had so many adventures together.  He supported me financially the whole time, while I was getting my Masters and paid his way through college, not taking on debt.  He ran marathons and was good, even winning his division in one.  When we were dating, we went to church together.

There were some red flags, but I wouldn't have known those back then, so can't be hard on myself.  But, another component is that we both lost that man to mental health.  I lost him, the kids lost him and Hubby, himself, lost him.  And he doesn't know how to get back.

Last night, he was telling me on the phone, saying he was always "better."

And it's true.  He lost his job once at a gym and had a new job secured, the very next day.  We donated plasma for extra money when first married, he did videos on youtube, surveys, etc.  Lots of random things to make money.  Now, he can't seem to act.

And I have biblical grounds to leave......and he's threatened scary things when drinking, that he can't take back.....but, I still feel bad because I feel so much of it is an, "in sickness and health" type issue.

Anyways, it's almost 4am now and the alarm on my phone will go off soon.

Almost an hour of stream of consciousness writing.... so so good for my soul.

No passages for now.  I'll read through them, but out of time to post.

A new year.... 365 days, 365 opportunities (plus, because you don't just get one opportunity a day).




Looking forward to 2017!

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