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Saturday, March 18, 2017

My mom asked me what she could do to help me feel loved.


And then I thought and thought and thought and thought.  My answer for her is what I can actually do to find myself happier in any situation.

My advice to her is to change her mindset by:

STOP every time she wants to complain about the house or the situation

and instead....

1) Think of several things she is grateful for
2) "How important is it?"
3) Remind herself, I know she is doing the best
4) Do something for herself

I think that would really solve a lot of our problems.


The likelihood that she will do any of those things is like 0.5%

But, what is the likelihood that I could make my life better by doing these things??  Well, if not 100% very very likely.  I can certainly try.  ANY time that I want to play the blame game, I can STOP and instead be grateful, how important is it, I know that person is "doing the best they can" at this moment and then do something for myself instead.

So, I was excited about that epiphany.

Ok, passages!

Passage 1
ODAT - Let it begin with me
Living with an alcoholic distorted my thinking in many ways, but particularly in one: I blamed all my problems on The Bottle. Now I am learning in Al-Anon to look squarely at each difficulty, not seeking whom to "blame" but to discover how my attitude helped to create my problem, or aggravate it.
I must learn to face the consequences of my own actions and words, and to correct myself when I am wrong. Accepting responsibility is essential to becoming mature. Whether the alcoholic is drinking or not. I will not look for a scapegoat to excuse my own faults.
Today's Reminder
There is no advantage, no profit, no growth, in deceiving myself merely to escape the consequences of my own mistakes. When I realize this, I know I will be making progress.
"We must be true inside, true to ourselves, before we can know a truth that is outside us. But we make ourselves true inside by manifesting the truth as we see it." (Thomas Merton: No Man Is an Island)

Ok, soooo, another epiphany came yesterday.  My mom is unhealthy about her gift giving.  She gives a lot of herself and then resents (sound like anyone I know -- yah, um, me in the past with Hubby).......... ANYWAYS......She also has strings attached to those gifts and sometimes uses them in arguments to put you down.  I am kind of stuck in this situation, where I accepted some gifts from her.  To live in this house and to drive her old car.  BIG gifts!!!  And she has been using this against me quite a lot.  I googled gift giving and narcissists (because whether my mom is on the narcissism spectrum or not, a lot of it fits her) and I found an article that was a true gift to me.

It was on narcissism, but it was highly judgmental of the person who accepts those gifts from the narcissist, knowing the cost of them.  This person was very strongly worded.  She spoke of the greed of the person who accepted the gifts knowing (or maybe knowing a little or deep down, but not admitting) and saying that they were prostituting themselves in order to get the things.  That they have no right to complain afterwards, because they knew they were accepting these things with payment expected.  Maybe the payment is that for the rest of their lives they are supposed to act grateful regardless of any other actions, or that it will be told to other people in order to boost up the narcissist or will be used against them, etc. etc.  

It really resonated with me because it talked about MY part in this. I have accepted these things from my mom, knowing how my mom is.  I have traded my autonomy and respect for a nicer place for my kids and then am complaining about it.  Hmmm.  

Anyways, I was grateful for the article.  I do think I needed to read it.  And it reminded me of this passage, as well.  It is time for me to correct myself.  


  1. And this is why I love your blog (or rather the person who writes it)! Just the reminder I needed as well. I'm glad you had these epiphanies and that you are willing to share them. I hope we both remember to put into practice what we learn.