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Monday, March 20, 2017
Having a bit of a rough time this morning.  It started out so positive.  But, I'm struggling now.

Sooo.......... felt like venting, but now just thinking I maybe want to give it to God.

-  Need to give the fact that I'm at my mom's house to God
-  The fact that I can't seem to make decisions with clarity.
-  My desires to ignore my physical health.
- The fact that I don't feel inspired by any job options.

Once again, I feel like embracing this transition period and this uncertainty is the way to go.  I keep feeling like I'm making a "wrong" decision or staying in this place too long and the inaction is very difficult on me.  I don't trust myself and I don't feel God.  And even sometimes when doing gratitudes, they feel empty (at least today).  Of course, I'm grateful for my health and my kids.  But, this not knowing is so rough.

And yet, I've always not known aspects of where my life was going.  I also feel very weak.  I don't seem to like any of my job options.  And one moment, I'll feel certainty about something............. and then, it doesn't stick.

Writing this out helps a bit I guess.  I'm going to do my visualizations, too.

God what do you want me to do?  My answer..................is to just stay here and sit tight.  Some days that is an answer I'm  happy with.  Some days, I won't accept it.  Some days........I don't know.

I don't think I'm meant to stay here long term.  But, I'm not ready to move out.  Ugh.  So, I guess I'm doing a little venting and a little giving to God.  My self esteem has really plunged.  And yet.................. maybe it needed to plunge in order for me to change myself and see the unhealthy ways I was living.  My hunch is that yes, it needed to plunge despite the fact that I hate feeling it and experiencing it.

anyways........... J is walking around in her Elsa dress, Elsa shoes, sunglasses and playing the harmonica.  It cracks me up.

I'm likely going to be stopping the preschool.  It doesn't seem like a good fit.  I just wanted one thing to be set, I think.  It was really hard for me to admit it wasn't a good fit for J.  It wasn't her failing.  It wasn't me failing for choosing the wrong place.  It just wasn't a good fit.  Trial and error.  It has been difficult for me to admit this.  I wanted to have one thing set and I felt so good about this little school.  I decided last night and then woke up this morning feeling unsure again.

By the way, getting it all out is helping.

- I'm also going to give my difficulty being real with my new sponsor to God.

I struggle with letting people in.  I seem to want things to be perfect and then build things up in my mind for me to feel that way.  For example, without this little school.  What do I have without it?  More uncertainty.....  more decisions to make.  More unstructured time.  More flexibility too.

sigh.

It is better getting this off my chest.  I'm glad I'm taking the time to right this down.  And I do need to remember that I stayed up late last night.  It makes a big difference.

Job wise, there are some things on the horizon.  I'm feeling very much like, "What is the point though."  Kind of crazy.  

I think I just need to remember that I didn't get my sleep and I'm tired.  I'm having a rough day and I need to do self care and TAKE IT EASY!!  Another way of saying that is, "easy does it."

I'm going to feel sad and even cry, if it comes to crying.  I'm going to try to stay out of victim territory, get some exercise (but not too much), drink a lot of water and just stay away from stress.




Passage 1 - loving detachment, parents
HFT
One of my family's methods for coping with the insanity of alcoholism has been to declare certain members outcasts. The decision is never overt, and explanations are never made openly. The outcasts simply find themselves excluded from the family for a period of time. An important part of my Fourth Step has been to uncover my own shifting roles in this process. Over the years I sometimes have been judge, sacrificial lamb, or member of the lynch mob.
My Eighth and Ninth Step work has been a powerful force allowing me to view my family members as creatures of God who shortcomings are beyond my power to change but whose charm and strengths are links in a chain of love. My work to view them in this light has included writing a letter to each one, expressing the gifts I see in him or her as well as some connection the two of us share. It is my hope that seeking and expressing these connections will begin to amend the damage done by participating in my family's habit of casting members out.

Thanks to these Steps, I'm finding friendships within my family based on who we are rather than how closely we fit some artificial family code. I'm also finding ways to detach with love and respect from those who are traveling down paths I prefer to avoid. Whichever is the case, I am learning to live my relationships in the present rather than spending my energy hoping for a better past.
Thought for the Day
A statue looks different depending on the angle from which I view it
. If I change the angle from which I view my family members, they might look different, too.
"Leaving the door open to a lower relationship to redevelop slowly was a helpful approach . . ." Paths to Recovery, p. 98

This reminds me of Paul.  Fro

1 comments:

  1. I'm sorry for the rough time. Uncertainty and instability are so challenging to get through. I'm glad the venting helped.

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