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Tuesday, March 28, 2017
Sigh.  So, I guess I'll be honest and blog about this.  Busy busy busy weekend.  It surprises me that I haven't blogged since Friday.  I think it is because my mom was off Friday and on her days off, we try to stay out all day long.  What did we do Friday.....................

And why can't I remember!?  I would like to say we went to the beach, but I'm pretty certain we didn't.  Oh, I know.  It was an odd Friday.  My mom actually did a lot of babysitting for us, which I haven't responded well to because of her comments after, before and during.  I worked in the morning because my students were on Spring Break and then I started a new kiddo in the afternoon.  I didn't have a good plan for spending the time and my babysitter had cancelled and it was a bit of a mess.

Saturday, we did the Bubble run, which was fantastic!  Then, we went to the expo for the hot chocolate run later in the day and spent extra time exploring the area before and after.  We were gone from 6:30am to bedtime.  Sunday, we were gone all day again, but this time we left the house at 5:15am and came back around 7pm.  The hot chocolate run, which was also fantastic.  Apparently 5ks are a source of joy for me.  If they were free, I think I'd do one every single weekend.  Regardless.....
 
I found out that my dad came over without notice on Sunday.  It was a source of anxiety for me.  Throughout this process, he has been someone my mom has vented to a lot about me and she has told me comments he has made to her about me.  He also has contacted me a couple times to weigh in on my mom's opinions.  I feel unsafe and judged.  My mom decided to take off on Monday which meant ANOTHER day for me to stay out of the house all day.  But, me living here is a huge inconvenience because she can't just take a day off and enjoy herself.  Sigh.....  And I had babysitters coming and this was all sprung on me Sunday night.  And I still needed babysitters, but my parents don't want to be here at the same TIME as the babysitter.  I didn't know my dad would be here until Sunday night and my mom until that morning.  I guess my feelings are also hurt because noone asked me.  It's not my house.  So, of course.......I wouldn't be asked.  But.....................yah.  It's a struggle for me.  This is def. a vent.

Part of this is "expectations are planned resentments."  I resent them because they are not acting how I expect to, feel they should or just want them to.  I also feel like they are going to hurt me, so I put up a wall to avoid being hurt.  I don't want to be nice or friendly to them because I feel like if I give my real self, I will get hurt.  It's also easier to demonize them, then look at my part in it.  I just don't want to do anything in front of them or reveal any weakness, there are so many blatantly on display.  Regardless, I can't wait until my dad leaves (some guilt involved in that too).  

Another part has to do with me having trouble focusing on gratitude.  Look at all the amazing things I am doing.  It truly is wonderful.  And on Monday, I had a session with my new client again. I am going to help him so much.  It is a great fit!  I have the skills he needs.  It also may make it possible for a May move out.  And we saw the play therapist on Monday, too, and I learned so much and J loved it!  She gave me homework and I'm just so grateful for her insight and knowledge.

I have more issues with the cats too, but I"m so tired about complaining.  As soon as my dad leaves, I have a lot to do and I can feel like myself again.

And I'm aware this is self-created misery.  But, I'm not ready to change that at this exact moment.

sigh.  dark post today.

1 comments:

  1. "And I'm aware this is self-created misery. But, I'm not ready to change that at this exact moment." Admitting both those things takes a lot of courage and vulnerability. :)

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