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Tuesday, June 20, 2017
It's late..............but, I have a lot on my mind.

Thinking about divorce, legal separation, keeping my family together, addiction and bipolar and the trauma bond.

I think my heart is leading me towards divorce.  I listened to a really helpful video on the biochemistry of the trauma bond/ "loyalty bond."

Even though, it's earlier than I had planned to divorce......  I'm not 100% certain.  Not at all.  I chanced upon some photos of our old house on my ipad.  I was looking for photos of L for her upcoming bday party.  And we have photos going back to more than a year ago.

Photos of our little messy house.  The blue walls, the comfy green couch.  The mountain view, rose bushes.........our chalk room office/play room, the carefully painted white board paint in the kids room.... the walls decorated with artwork.  And the joy.  So. much. joy!

I still have a lot of things --- so many beautiful things ----- but, I left a lot to come to a place where we aren't wanted or appreciated.  Our family together........ our pets together....... friends the kids had since job I adored......

I understand why I left, but it shocked my system to see those pictures.  I have tried to help Jules move forward, but I am still quite hurt.

Then.................... probably 10 minutes after I started sifting through pictures.  I found porn.  Lots of porn.  On MY iPad.  Apparently, my iPad got synced with Hubby's phone at some point.

REMINDER - that's why I left.

I'm going to be working on my step 4 again.  After the tears came from missing and the shock came from the realization (again) that my husband is very sick........... I read some recovery stuff and looked through a lot of inspirational and healthy memes.

As I mentioned, the video above was very helpful in the biochemistry aspect.  And the denial which folds over quickly.  My brain is so scared of getting hurt and so desperate for reward.  It's a mess!  That wasn't really the gist of the message.  But, it's a mess.  And a trend... and I've got to separate from it.

I do believe that it all starts with self care.  And those memes helped me realize I want to get back to the steps and my beautiful blue book that's just been waiting for me on my desk.

And a meme for now.........


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