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Tuesday, July 11, 2017
Feeling really low.

I'm tired of letting myself down and letting my kids down.




I know they don't feel let down.  And I do a lot of intentional and wonderful things for them.  But.............. J started talking about a sponsor's child today........... and I isolated myself from the sponsor (hence the child, too).  And I haven't talk to her (sigh).  It weighs on me occasionally that I would feel relief if I contacted her.  And then another potential friend of J's............. they wanted to continue to be friends after she left her past preschool.  And I isolated.  I just didn't feel comfortable talking about my life issues.  And when we got together, we talked a TON while the kids played.

And I'm planning my birthday party, as my birthday is coming up.   And more people I've isolated from.  Ugh.   Or the people I'd like to come are stretched across the country.  Last year, when I turned 30, I had 4 mommy friends, who had become very good friends, go out for dessert with me.  As of today, one of them is in Texas.  One is about an hour away from me, one is two hours from me and one I haven't kept in contact with.  These were real relationships.  They all knew about my current issues in my marriage (to a certain extent) and I was authentic with them.  Gosh.  I had so much more support a year ago.

Now, most of the people I've isolated from can be reconnected with, with a single text.  And it would bring relief to me, to a certain extent.  But, I still don't really feel a huge urge to socialize with them.  Just today, I responded to an old friend with an apology.  I want to be good friends for them when they need it.  But............. a lot of these people just aren't my "safe" people.  And I don't yet know how to be authentic to myself and not share too much or not enough.  If this makes any sense.

I'm just getting all this out.  My hunch is that I'm tired..........  I'm in a time of transition.  And........... I'm acutely aware of my weaknesses.  I know that I don't always feel this way.  And I don't believe I'll feel this way tomorrow.

I've been doing some really nice things that I can feel proud of lately.

I'm just going to post a reading or two and then be out for the night.


3 comments:

  1. If these women weren't really your safe people, then have you really lost support over the last year? Socialization and connection, yes. Support, maybe not. Thank goodness for modern technology to allow us to still be there for each other across country!

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  2. That's a good question. They were people I could be my authentic self with and that I felt good about myself with. They've been friends since J was about 6 months old, so 3 1/2 years. I just haven't felt the motivation to foster those kind of relationships here or even don't know how to from my current space. It felt like support. That being said, I am extremely grateful for you and other online resources, as well.

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  3. Did the lack of motivation only arise after the marital issues? Or did you limit intimate friendships even before then?

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