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Tuesday, July 25, 2017
I seem to be using my blog for getting things off my chest, lately and venting.

I'm feeling a lot of emotions right now.  And I want to get them out.

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I feel absolutely horrible.  I truly feel like the worst person ever.  I got into a discussion with my mom that I never ever should have gotten into.  And I told my mom things my sister had told me in confidence for my own special reasons.

It is horrible.  I honestly feel like trash.  I feel like the worst sister ever and the worst person ever and the worst hypocrite ever.



I have a feeling that my sister won't care that much.  But........... she might.  And........ she should.

She truly doesn't need another crappy person in her life who is going to betray her trust.

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I sent her an email apologizing.  And I think the only way to make amends is to avoid all conversation like this with my mom.  And just to never ever bring her up as a defense or validation for my own beliefs.  My sister doesn't need to deal with this and deserves much much more.

And just to continue working on myself, so I don't feel the need to JADE (Justify, Argue, Defend, Explain).

Whew.  Deep breath.

This brought out big ugly tears.  I feel like I have betrayed someone who has been there for me.

Ok.  More deep breaths.

I'm going to move forward..................... because I can't control what I did.  I already did it.  I can't undo it.  And I can control my need to JADE.

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I took a little break to send an email to a friend and now I'm feeling better.  Amazing how that works.  The beginning of my blog was written in one of those "depths of despair" moments, to quote Lucy Montgomery.  I've been having those occasionally.  They don't last long.  They are typically after something goes wrong that feels unfair.  This was the first one I've had after I was the one who did something wrong.

In my now clear state again, I do believe my sister will be ok with it.  I can't remember, but she may have even said it was ok if I told her.  Regardless, what I did was not ok.  But, I'm going to learn from it and not tear myself apart over it.

I think JADE is something I really really need to work on.  I've noticed myself feeling like i have to explain myself to random people.  Like, if I ask for soda water, I explain or justify why.  And, I can't think of another example, but I've been doing it frequently.  Oh..... today, I forgot J's blanket for preschool.  I felt the need to explain why.  I don't need to Justify Argue Defend and Explain and I've gotten into this habit that reeks of low self esteem.

And that is what I was doing with my mom.  I was trying to defend how I felt by using my sister's experiences.  That I was not alone.  I felt the desire to justify so badly, that I dragged my sister into a discussion/argument that she wasn't even here for.

I'm not going to say I feel like trash because I'm through that.  But, this desire was very very strong.  And I think I could really benefit by targeting it as my new goal.

Ok........... exhausted.  Actually, started my period today (which often happens after an emotional outburst).  And have a promising day tomorrow that my body needs rest for.




1 comments:

  1. The fact that you felt so poorly about what you did says something about your strong character, my dear. I'm so sorry it brought you to the depths of despair. That is not a pleasant place to be at all. Hugs and prayers!

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