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Saturday, July 22, 2017
I sit here right now........ and I wonder where the real me has disappeared to.

Warning - this is a message written in a moment of sadness.  I am wholly aware of that.

I have been privileged enough to share my story with a lot of people over the last week.  Maybe 8 or 9.... therapists, nurse practitioner, intake people in Mental Health Services and Family Stabilization Services, my case worker, etc..  

It just so happens that my appointment with my Primary Care Physician fell on the same week that I started Mental Health Services with Calworks.  I've wanted therapy services for awhile and am now, finally, going through the intake process through both insurance and MHS.  I also have been connected with affordable couples counseling through Calworks.  I should go full swing into actual therapy next week, including a couples session with O, hopefully a group therapy session, and one 1:1 (maybe two). The calworks system really expedited everything!  

I've had a few epiphanies during the telling on my story, not all of which I'll go into.  Most of the epiphanies came while I was telling my story to a kind, to the point, male therapist, who was evaluating me through my insurance.  He would have been the person to refer me for medication.  He did not at this time, but prescribed deep breathing exercises and physical exercise as my daily medicine.  Out of the professionals I've seen thus far, he impressed me the most.  This also includes the therapists I saw before leaving O, as well........ with the exception, perhaps, of my therapist who specialized in partners of sexual addicts.  She was also superb, in a different but equal way.  

He reminded me:
1) To keep a clear mind regarding my mom.  He saw the situation as black and white.  While talking to him, I used the phrase "Monster mode" to describe my mom when she is overwhelmed or angry.  I tried to retract the statement, it just popped out, but he told me not to retract it.  He encouraged me to keep a very clear mind, in regards to my mom and to hold onto that "monster mode" phrase.  It was interesting how he could see the situation so clearly, with so little information.  He also reminded me that the living situation with my mom is not safe for my kids, considering how she treated me and my sister emotionally, when we were children.  


That's not what I wanted to hear.

2) He reminded me that all of the issues that I've had with O are related to the chaos of my upbringing.  

3) He encouraged me to truly do the exercise and breathing like medicine, so that I get out of a reactive state.

4) When I told him my concerns regarding my short term memory, he responded that was "par for the course, when going through a life transition like this."

He's also going to hopefully get me set up with a therapist by the end of this week.  Wow!  Things have truly started happening.  I even got an acceptance from childcare I've been on the waitlist for since January/February (can't remember exactly).  We already have childcare, at this point.  But........... also, I have childcare.  So, I can work on my business.  And since I have all this support now, and will be more proactive about getting myself out of a reactive state, I'll hopefully be able to stick with it.  

I'm glad I'm writing this out.  It helps.  One of the things, I have been waiting for a regular therapy session to talk about is the loss of identity I feel and just overwhelming loss for having a life plan.

One thing, which I haven't come to terms with......... is what happened to my animals.  (deep breath).  When I adopted these animals into my home, I did it understanding the lifetime commitment I had to them.  I made intentional choices for them, bought them collars, trained them, researched what food to feed them.  They were part of my family.  

Through our split, they have been through very bad times.  ET died.  Tipsy and Snowball were happy with O, at his old house.  But, then he got evicted.  They are at C's again.  They are in O's room... but, he's not there half the time because he's commuting for work.  They aren't ridiculously unhappy, but they aren't happy.  It's not a good setting for them.  It's probably better there, then separating them again.  But, you see....... not only do I miss them.  I do.  But, I do not recognize myself as a person who would ever put them in this situation.  I try not to think about it.  It is too much to take.  

And Oso.................I miss him dearly.  I think he is fairly happy.  But, I, also, adopted him into a family that would stay together.  Every decision was so intentional.  And now, I have no say over those decisions. It is a part of me missing.

And being a person without a path, without a home, without a plan.  Who is this person?  She's not the person I know.  

I used to have all these ideas about school districts and buying homes and, you know, future life.  All that is gone.  

I suspect it will not be this way forever.  

But it is now.  And.............. yes.  Getting to know other moms, leaves me at a loss of words.  

Them - "I live over by ________.  Where do you live?"  
Me - "Oh, I don't have a home.  But, I'm on a wait list for a local shelter.  I'm living with my mom, but I don't want to be here and she doesn't want me here."  

Yah..............  That wouldn't go so well.  So, I say, "I'm living with my mom, since I split with hubby."  Then I get pity.  

Or, they say what their husband's do or what they do, or talk about school districts or vacation or something that's a part of a stable life.

And..........I don't always feel like going into the fact that my life is unstable right now.  It's too raw, too vulnerable for a first meeting or second.  J mentioned a friend she made awhile back as one of her friends and I haven't arranged a play date.  I feel so bad that she is being affected by my desire to self isolate.  Sigh.  

Anyways................  It is getting late.  And it's time for my body to rest.

Thanks, Blog, for a wonderful vent.  I think next time, I'll probably have some positive recovery quotes.



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