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Sunday, July 2, 2017
So, Hubby and I are getting a divorce.

It will take 6 months to process.  I have no idea what the future will bring.  At this moment, I'm at peace with that.  I'm hoping to file the first paperwork on Wednesday.

I have a few questions..............

-  How do I explain a split based on infidelity to kids?  I don't need to worry about that yet.  I don't feel like I have to announce to anyone that we are in the process of divorce.  And I don't feel like I have to tell the kids.  I know, for me, that I'm saying it's unacceptable to be with someone who isn't taking action to make sure they are a husband that is loyal to me.  And the kids won't understand it for awhile anyways.  Nothing is changing for them right now.

I have more questions.  But, the truth is that I don't need to know the answers now.  Most have to do with when/if I started dating again, and that probably wouldn't be for a few more years.  So, I'll just let them be unanswered until they need to be.

And for my ring, I'm married for another 6 months, anyways.  So, I don't have to decide whether to wear or not wear it.

Ok, that's my big update.  Whew!  Another update...  the kids are starting subsidized daycare soon.  I have mixed feelings.  L starts tomorrow.  Fear is a feeling I'm getting right now.  She is going to be there for 6.5 hours, during the day.  I'm scared........... scared of crazy things like her drinking cleaning fluid or a disgruntled family member shooting the place up (yes!! I have crazy mama thoughts sometimes).  Scared of me having less influence, less cuddles.  I'm feeling relief, too, though.  With them at paid care, I am free to pursue my goals.  To work, to contribute to society, to even join a gym, go to school.  Within the next 60 days, I am mandated to find a job or enroll full time in school.  But, it's mandatory that they are there a certain amount of hours until I figure it out.

J starts next week.  I haven't had time like this, since......... I guess, since I left Hubby.  He wasn't watching them, at that time.  But, since I was working, I was paying for care for me to go to my weekly meeting, my weekly therapy and my weekly bible study.  I've never had THIS much time.  And a lot of possibilities are running through my head.  I can go to daytime meetings, I can spend some time exercising, I can enroll in a Spanish program, I can work on my own business and search for clarity on what direction I need to pursue.  I can decide if I want to get a starbucks type job, right away, or wait.  There are so many decisions and opportunities.

Fear, change, hope.  Lots going on...........  And also, with this comes structure.  I am someone who likes to schedule my week.  I've lost so much coming here and one of the things is my schedule.  I sued to have so many intentional schedules, which have been dropped.  When J was a baby, I worked a full day for a stretch of time.  It was for a private client, but I think I was gone 8 hours +.  But, I had all these amazing schedules.  Before I went to work, I made our time SUPER intentional.  And that continued, no matter how much I was working, I took advantage of my time with the kids.  We didn't even own a tv at our old house, and that was intentional.  It was something we decided before we even got married, actually.  And at my moms, I've let everything slip and now tv (well netflix) is a constant.... almost every day and sometimes for hours.  As an aside, I think having hours of tv can be ok for an overwhelmed mama, but..... I'm not comfortable with the frequency right now.  It's not good.  Having the kids on a schedule excites me.  I'm ready to have all my high quality schedules again.  We wake up insanely early, so we have time for a LOT before drop off.

I feel very tired and rambly.  But, one last thought.  Hubby is going into recovery in high gear.  He understands that we are going to divorce.  He understands this so much to text me that he knows we have to end our previous marriage and if we get together again, it will have to be new and different.  Anyways......... I always get inspired when he does his part.  I want to do mine too.  And I'm inspired.  I'm tired, rambly, but still doing my journal.  And it's................. good.  Going to do a passage or two.  Then, I'm out.  I have a VERY busy day tomorrow.  With three different appointments, plus L's first day and J by herself, which never happens.  I don't think I've had time alone with her, possibly, ever since L was born.


  1. When I was pregnant with Gabe and throwing up all day long, Caden would watch 4-8 hours of movies every day for a few months. I felt like the worst mother and was worried about the long-term effects it would have on him. As you know, he's fine because it wasn't a permanent thing from birth until now. He does well in school and loves to read and play outside and has a vivid imagination. I understand your concern, and I know you will make changes when the time is right. For now, have compassion on yourself instead of stressing about it. Your girls have a wonderful mama, and they will be fine. :)