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Monday, July 31, 2017

step 1

"I deal with what life throws at me."

I was doing some affirmations that someone posted on youtube, and this one popped up.  It reminded me of Step 1.

- I didn't have control over the unhealthy dynamics of my family of origin or the coping mechanisms i developed because of them.  Life "threw that at me."  I survived it and dealt with it the best way that I could.

- I don't have any control over genetic predispositions to anxiety, depression, procrastination, perfectionism (whatever my problem may be).  Life threw that at me, and I'm dealing the best way I know how.

- I didn't have control over O getting bipolar or starting to drink.  I don't have any control over the coping mechanisms he learned from family or origin, reaction to traumatic experiences or genetics.  When he started behaving that way, when life threw that at me, I dealt with it the best way I knew.  I'm still dealing with it.  It's hard.  But, I'm doing it.

-  I didn't have any control over getting sick during L's pregnancy.  Life threw that at me.  I dealt with it the best way that I knew.

-  I don't have any control over not getting any of the "career" type jobs I applied for or for private clients falling through.  I dealt with that the best way that I knew.  And still am..........

I have a lot of crossroads in front of me.  And I don't know what the best choices are.  But, I do know that my faults are mostly do to coping mechanisms from family of origin, trauma or genetics.  There is no point in beating myself over them.  And life threw some bad stuff at me.  Others have it much worse.  But, life threw stuff at me.  I didn't choose it.  I didn't choose to have my family teach me this unhealthy way of living, I chose O, but did it the best way I knew how, at the time.  I don't have control over him getting sick, over me, getting sick.  These were things life threw at me.

And even if life didn't throw things at me, if they are due to choices made in the past.  I don't have control over those either.  I already made those decisions.  Some made as self sabotage, some made unwisely, some made trying to do my best, but they are already made.  I can't make those decisions again.

All I can do is focus on what I have now.  I want to take responsibility for what has happened to me.  but, it truly has been out of my control.  I feel guilt.  But, it is out of my control.

"I  deal with what live throws at me."  I can take pride in that and move forward with that.