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Thursday, August 10, 2017
Bathroom - CHECK!  15 minutes in and the bathroom is cleaned!  That was the easiest place to start and so I started there.

It's all packed up and shiny now.  My mom has her guest bathroom back and that feels good.  A couple more things I'm going to pack in there (including vitamins, cue tips and first aid).  Then I'm printing out a label and into the car it goes.

Ok...................... moving on!

Our Past is an Assset

"We may have been alone as children, but now we have our fellow travelers."

"On this day I recognize that my past provides a unique opportunity to grow in self actualization."


Well, apparently, I am just really wanting to procrastinate packing.  I am often the person who has a thorough list and likes checking off the boxes.

Perhaps, there is something bigger that I don't understand, such as fear, preventing it.  But, it is the last moment now.  It is time for action, rather than procrastination.

This isn't a  case of perfectionism, procrastination, paralysis.  It's just a matter of doing it and getting it done.

And...................................... this afternoon, we move into our new place!  Yay!

Today, I have a vision appointment, a root canal and then, check-in at the shelter.  But, first, I have to work through the night to just pack everything.  Luckily, there is truly not much to pack.  Going to do a meditation and just start.  I went to sleep very early, so I already got around 4 hours of sleep.  We are in good shape.

Ok, that's all for now.  :)
1) Dental care/insurance
2) Overall good health
3) Opportunity to go to this shelter
4) People look out for one another.
5) Storage Bins :)
Tuesday, August 8, 2017
In Step Six I contemplate my life undergoing change -- tremendous change. The great fear is this: If I shed many characteristics that stand in my way, what will be left? It is as though I face a great void, a terrifying unknown. Yet when I acknowledge how far I have come, I can see how much I want to change. The desire to grow and to heal has brought me to this uncomfortable point, because I am tired of the way I have been. My Higher Power is there to guide me when I am ready. 

I find solace in the fact that in Step Six I need not change anything; I must simply prepare myself for change. I can take all the time I need. Such manageability is what I set out to find in the first place. Now it is a part of my life.

Today's Reminder
I need not judge the rate at which I change old habits or ways of thinking. If I am uncomfortable with old behavior, then on some level I am already moving toward changing it. Change will not be effective unless I am ready for it. I need only trust that, when the time comes to move forward, I will know it. 

"Remind me each day that the race is not always to the swift; that there is more to life than increasing its speed. Let me look upward into the towering oak and know that it grew great and strong because it grew slowly and well." Orin L. Crain

mmmm, I love that quote at the end by Orin L. Crain.  It might be worth memorizing.  Change is uncomfortable............ but look at where I have come.  I had a powerful therapy session today.

My therapist talked about my toxic mother, my toxic father (who I normally don't like to think of in that way) and my toxic husband.  She also talked about how I was trained to be emotionally abusive, as a young child.  Sigh.  And that she thinks I accept bread crumbs, rather than "steak," in regards to my father.  I was also called a "good codependent."

I appreciate her blunt analysis of my situation  This is my couples counselor, yet O was out today, so I did a single session.  I told her of the pressure I felt last week.  She told me that she was just asking me to not divorce in three months, but that it would be unwise to lower my emotional walls.  There was a lot of validation and truth spoken.  She thought it was meant to be that O couldn't make it.  

Very powerful session.  

"The desire to grow and to heal has brought me to this uncomfortable point, because I am tired of the way I have been."

Toxic mother, toxic father, toxic husband.  If I don't change......................... I believe my kids may call me toxic one day, as well.  Just a thought.  Perhaps I have already changed enough to avoid this.  That being said............ I look forward to inching towards being the person I want to be. 
1)  Grateful for a healthy body!!
2)  Grateful for two precious tiny children.
3)  Grateful for a roof over my head.
4)  Grateful that I'm able to feel
5)  Grateful for the beach
Friday, August 4, 2017
I can certainly learn from criticism, and I want to remain open to hearing what others have to say, but neither my popularity nor my ability to please those I live and work with are legitimate measure of my worth as an individual. Al-Anon helps me to recognize that I have value simply because I breathe the breath of humanity. As I gain self-esteem, I find it easier to evaluate my behavior more realistically.
The support I get in Al-Anon helps me find the courage to learn about myself. As I come to feel at home with myself and my values, my likes and dislikes, my dreams and choices, I am increasingly able to risk other people's disapproval. I am equally able to honor others when they choose to be themselves, whether or not I like what I see.
Today's Reminder
With the help of a loving Sponsor and the support of my fellow Al-Anon members, I am learning to find my place in this world -- a place where I can live with dignity and self-respect.
"I exist as I am, that is enough, if no other in the world be aware I sit content, and if each and all be aware I sit content." Walt Whitman

1) Grateful for Stella and Sam TV series (based on the books) - <3 it
2) Grateful for moving forward
3) Grateful for my children's enthusiasm and laughs
4) Grateful for access to clean drinking water
5) Grateful for my health!!

There is no where else I'd rather be than right here in this very moment.

expectations = planned resentments

One source of frustration we seldom recognize is in expecting too much of others, or expecting too specifically what we feel they ought to be, say, give or do.
If I expect another person to react in a certain way to a given situation, and he or she fails to meet my expectation, have I the right to be disappointed or angry?
Every human being has his own individual drives and motivations, beyond my understanding and control. I may say: "But he knew what I expected," not realizing that it may have been precisely for this reason that he rebelled and acted otherwise.
My search for peace of mind will bear fruit much more readily if I stop expecting and relax into acceptance.
Today's Reminder
I will not set a pattern based on my own experience and wishes -- and expect someone else to live up to it.
This is interference of a subtle and damaging kind; it damages my peace of mind and dignity, and those I am smothering with my expectations.
"I, too, often fail to live up to the expectations of others."

This was a very big Al Anon revelation for me and still is.  A great life lesson..... that we are free to choose how to live our own life and others are free to do the same.  

So, in a relationship....... if I want to do something a certain way and the other person wants to do something a certain way.  We are both free to do our own.  If it impossible to do both, ex: Person wants to load the dishwasher way A and person 2 wants to load the dishwasher way B and both feel VERY strongly about it..  

Then, there are decisions to make, but they are our very own to make.  I do not want to manipulate, plead with, or make the other person do something they don't want to do, in any way or form.  And I don't want the other person to do that to me.  I don't want them to try to trick me into it, shame me into it, threaten me into it, argument me into it (unless I ask for reasons).  I want that decision to be my  own.

And as two reasonable people, we should both be aware that there is a problem.  We can't on the very same day load the dishwasher two different ways.  And that's when we get to be creative with problem solving.  That's when we evaluate within ourselves "How important is it?"  That's when we might take a few days to think on it for ourselves.  And then come together and be a team to figure out this problem.

Maybe one person decides the loading of the dishwasher isn't that important to them, when they come together.  If they both feel it is important, maybe they can switch off months or weeks.  Maybe they get two dishwashers (haha!).  But, the mutual respect is what I want to give and get.  

That's what I desire from a relationship, no matter how silly or serious the matter.  

Wednesday, August 2, 2017

Live and let live

The Al-Anon slogans are little pieces of advice. If we were entirely capable of putting them all into practice, we'd be pretty close to perfection as spiritual human beings.
Take this one, for instance: Live and let live. A whole philosophy of life is condensed into these four words. First we are admonished to live -- to live fully, richly, happily, and to fulfill our destiny with the joy that comes from doing well whatever we do. Then comes a more difficult admonition: Let live. This means acknowledging the right of every other human being to live as he wants to, without criticism or judgment from us. It rules out contempt for those who do not think as we do. It warns against resentment; tells us to avoid construing other people's actions as intentional injuries to us.
Today's Reminder
The more I think about living, and letting others live, the more I will learn from it. I will try to make it my yardstick in everything I do, and especially in relating to the people in my life. 
"When my thoughts are centered on learning to live, I will be less tempted to involve my mind with the thoughts of how others live."

I think this has to be one of my favorites!