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Tuesday, August 8, 2017
CTC
In Step Six I contemplate my life undergoing change -- tremendous change. The great fear is this: If I shed many characteristics that stand in my way, what will be left? It is as though I face a great void, a terrifying unknown. Yet when I acknowledge how far I have come, I can see how much I want to change. The desire to grow and to heal has brought me to this uncomfortable point, because I am tired of the way I have been. My Higher Power is there to guide me when I am ready. 

I find solace in the fact that in Step Six I need not change anything; I must simply prepare myself for change. I can take all the time I need. Such manageability is what I set out to find in the first place. Now it is a part of my life.

Today's Reminder
I need not judge the rate at which I change old habits or ways of thinking. If I am uncomfortable with old behavior, then on some level I am already moving toward changing it. Change will not be effective unless I am ready for it. I need only trust that, when the time comes to move forward, I will know it. 

"Remind me each day that the race is not always to the swift; that there is more to life than increasing its speed. Let me look upward into the towering oak and know that it grew great and strong because it grew slowly and well." Orin L. Crain


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mmmm, I love that quote at the end by Orin L. Crain.  It might be worth memorizing.  Change is uncomfortable............ but look at where I have come.  I had a powerful therapy session today.

My therapist talked about my toxic mother, my toxic father (who I normally don't like to think of in that way) and my toxic husband.  She also talked about how I was trained to be emotionally abusive, as a young child.  Sigh.  And that she thinks I accept bread crumbs, rather than "steak," in regards to my father.  I was also called a "good codependent."

I appreciate her blunt analysis of my situation  This is my couples counselor, yet O was out today, so I did a single session.  I told her of the pressure I felt last week.  She told me that she was just asking me to not divorce in three months, but that it would be unwise to lower my emotional walls.  There was a lot of validation and truth spoken.  She thought it was meant to be that O couldn't make it.  

Very powerful session.  

"The desire to grow and to heal has brought me to this uncomfortable point, because I am tired of the way I have been."

Toxic mother, toxic father, toxic husband.  If I don't change......................... I believe my kids may call me toxic one day, as well.  Just a thought.  Perhaps I have already changed enough to avoid this.  That being said............ I look forward to inching towards being the person I want to be. 

1 comments:

  1. Powerful post, both the recovery passage and your share. I find it a blessing that despite our poor emotional upbringing that negatively affected our family and romantic relationships, it did not play a role in the friendships we formed and maintained. I think therein we are most like our true selves.

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